Bien Agiter

Even Being Buffetted by the Truth Won't Change Republicans

2010-11-22T15:36:00.006-06:00

I'm pleasantly astonished that Warren Buffett finally fessed up to ABC News' Christiane Amanpour that tax breaks for the rich don't help the economy.

"The rich are always going to say that, you know, just give us more money and we'll go out and spend more and then it will all trickle down to the rest of you," Buffett said. "But that has not worked the last 10 years, and I hope the American public is catching on."

God bless him. But it won't make a lick of difference.

Republicans, at least, will NEVER be convinced.

Tell them that pink angels have signified that the end of the world is nigh, and they'll be stocking up on distilled water and handguns by week's end.

Try to explain to them that a government can't expect to pay off a massive national debt and still meaningfully cut taxes, and they'll give you the hand... or worse.

Tell them you want to spend trillions of tax dollars on fighting a destructive war and they'll just smile and yell Hoorah!

Tell them you need tax money to improve education... and you're gonna be labelled with a bleeding heart... or nose.

As cool as it is that Buffet and others of his ilk are testifying to what some of us have always known to be obvious, it shouldn't be expected to have any affect on the bulletproof biases of the American Right Wing.

Glen Beck Shows Audience How Many Brain Cells He Has

2010-11-12T11:21:00.004-06:00

Expecting Glen Beck to say something intelligent or insightful is like waiting for a dog to meow. But getting mad at him is an even bigger waste of time.

Humorists on both sides of the political fence (Beck, Stewart, Maher) should be left to say what they will. If we take it too seriously, that's OUR flaw.

Creating a controversy around what these guys do is like criticizing a war movie for too much gunplay.

It's a MADHOUSE!

2010-07-20T17:11:00.007-05:00

Somewhere… in a heaven many of us (and perhaps all) will never see, Rod Serling is taking a long drag off of the cool, menthol cigarette he always smokes. (Because it doesn’t ever burn out, and it will never give him cancer… again).

And he’s got a wry smile on his puss… and he’s thinking, “See, I fucking told you.”

He’s referring to Taliban Monkeys .

A story so absurd, it makes me want to run screaming like Charlton Heston. So daft that I’m tempted to buy a one-way ticket off this rock – or eat a bullet.

We’ve always known this “human civilization” thing gets crazy from time to time. New Home Depot’s open up next to well-established Lowe’s, country singers marry hockey players, and Winona Ryder gets called an actress…

But Taliban Monkeys?… that tears it. Check please!

Sure, we’ve all seen monkeys shanking a guy who refused them the standard banana payoff, and Lord knows squirrels are being trained by the Department of Agriculture to drink human plasma and use combs, But Taliban Monkeys?

(Rod rises from his angelic barcolounger and chuckles, then walks off into the clouds)

Where do you do when it all gets this goofy? When being drunk brings a more grounded state of mind... and the reminder of your own mortality seems like a stable, calming influence?

Sure, why not defend the people who have been ripping us off for years?

2010-03-04T11:17:00.004-06:00

In December of 1993, Neoconservative publisher and pundit William Kristol wrote a five-page memo explaining that if the Clinton health care plan was implemented, and actually improves the lives of Americans, the success of the program would badly damage the Republican Party by improving Americans’ relationship with government. Therefore, the plan must be stopped before it can begin. Kristol writes in part: “Passage of the Clinton health care plan, in any form, would guarantee and likely make permanent an unprecedented federal intrusion into and disruption of the American economy—and the establishment of the largest federal entitlement program since Social Security. It’s [sic] success would signal a rebirth of centralized welfare-state policy at the very moment we have begun rolling back that idea in other areas.… The long term political effects of a successful Clinton health care bill will be even worse—much worse. It will relegitimize middle-class dependency for ‘security’ on government spending and regulation. It will revive the reputation of the party that spends and regulates, the Democrats, as the generous protector of middle-class interests. And it will at the same time strike a punishing blow against Republican claims to defend the middle class by restraining government…”

In December 14, 2000, HCA Inc., the largest for-profit hospital chain in the US, reached a settlement with the Justice Department over allegations of having defrauded the government. As part of the agreement, the company pleaded guilty to 14 criminal counts and agreed to pay more than $840 million in criminal fines, civil penalties, and damages. The Justice Department’s investigation found that the company had employed a variety of schemes to falsely charge or overcharge for services provided to patients covered by federal health plans. HCA billed Medicare, Medicaid, and other federal health care programs for lab tests that were not medically necessary or ordered by physicians. It billed the government for non-reimbursable expenses by disguising them as reimbursable “community education” expenses or as “management fees.” Other violations included using incorrect diagnostic codes when billing the government in order to increase its revenue, billing for services rendered to patients who did not qualify to receive them, and billing for services that were never performed. Of the total amount settled upon, $95 million is for violations committed by two HCA subsidiaries, Columbia Homecare Group Inc. and Columbia Management Companies Inc. The two companies had engaged in cost report fraud, fraudulent billing, paying kickbacks to doctors for referrals, and paying kickbacks in connection with the purchase and sale of home health agencies.

So here we are, painfully close to reforming Health Care in this country, and the public – and even some Dem reps – are defending the doctors and healthcare companies who have been scamming us for decades. The health insurance companies themselves are being ripped off by fraudulent and inflated healthcare costs, but they don’t care, because ultimately they can pass the expense on to companies and the insured.

Let the world go to hell in a handbag

2010-01-06T11:46:00.003-06:00

My wife made a good point the other day. We – and by that she means her and I – only need the current world conditions to hold steady for another 50 years. She was being optimistic, of course. Because we really only need it to hold steady for another 30 years at the most.

She was right in principle though. And the thought made me feel a little better.

A couple of years ago, frustrated with the bizarre dogma of Texas republicans and perplexed at the chronic state of denial concerning conservation, we decided that, because we didn’t have children, it really wasn’t a big issue as long as we could breathe the air and enjoy reasonable liberty up until the end of our dwindling lives.

You ever get that feeling… when things are going crazy around you… that you just need to back away and extricate yourself from the madness? I suspect it’s this emotion that prompts crazy mountain men to drop out of society and begin enjoying a rodent-based diet.

The truth is, even if you admit your own foibles, you never truly believe you’re as nuts as those around you. You know some people are stranger than others, but when you look at the collective… sometimes… you get scared – or tired of the chaos – and just want end your involvement. You realize you’re just never going to cure the craziness. Then, if you’re realistic with yourself, you ponder the possibility that you just might not “get it”. For some, this makes them want to understand it all. And that is admirable. But for others… sometimes… you just don’t WANT to “get it”.

It’s that way for me when it comes to the financial greed of corporate America, global political conflict, lack of social responsibility, and the NFL. I see the valiant efforts of anti-whaling activists trying to save a beautiful endangered species, only to be rammed by the Asian whaler they are protesting. I see self-serving belligerence of countries trying to scuttle a new "Kyoto-type" accord. I see the fear mongering of corporations influencing citizens to forego their own health interests in order to protect their profits and I ultimately tire from the confusion, wondering why anyone embraces the futility of resistance.

There’s no need to fight a “good fight” anymore. We're just going to hunker down and wait for our time to be done. We, who have no progeny, have no skin in the game past a certain time window. After that, it’s out of our hands. Perhaps it always has been.

Global Conflict: Nose Candy for World Leaders?

2009-11-16T12:22:00.007-06:00

Al brought in the tire and started pouring gasoline on it.

“For God’s sake man,” Helmut screamed, “What are you doing? This is the kitchen. Take that shit into the basement.”

Then Helmut lit up a Dominican robusto to clear the pungent scent of unleaded regular.

---

In the real world, most fools are not to be trusted without certified supervision. This is widely agreed. But in the case of the "world powers," we're going to have to slip some sedatives into the milk and hope for the best until "The Inquisition."

Tracking the work of a truly gifted serial killer can be hard, but not when you consider the fact that so few are even mildly intelligent. I’m not talking about your Specks or DeSalvos here; I mean the ones who hold office in countries from here to Zimbabwe.

Mugabe, for instance, is a cold, bloodthirsty bastard who demonstrates the same delusions as Ted Bundy, but with exponentially more political backing. Politically, by the way, Bundy was an active and devout Republican – which jived perfectly with his endemic hate for life.

The sham elections in Afghanistan boggle the mind for sheer, uncalled-for cheating, and still the U.N. fails to acknowledge the folly. Selective reasoning? Or is it that these killers are really so clever as to fool the collective brain trust?

Doubtful.

More likely, it’s collusion, and professional admiration.

2012: What the Mayans Failed to Mention

2009-11-10T16:30:00.006-06:00

In 2012 here’s what’s REALLY going to happen. The United Nations, hobbled by the conflicting needs of the members of the Security Council, will dissolve and be replaced with a game of Bridge. Countries will gather regularly to play cards, smoke cigars, and BS about world affairs. It’ll be twice as fun as the regular UN Dog & Pony show and will likely get as much accomplished. Perhaps more.

After a few glasses of rum, anything could happen, and some good deals regarding peace could come from the more relaxed stage. Of course, certain wars will inevitably be started after certain representatives get really greased up.

This will quickly lead to an oil crisis, which is inevitable anyway, and Kathy Griffin will take office as Governor of California after Arnold is ousted with extreme prejudice. Unable to go on the incredible shopping sprees she thought she would be entitled to, (because the state is bankrupt) Griffin will angrily move all Ukrainians into prison camps -- just to get even with someone.

Starbucks will release tainted coffee, but it will have no effect on the population (except in Seattle) because by 2012 the world will be, in fact, “Running on Dunkin”.
Jesus will then return to earth, take one look at his most devout followers, and turn away with his Jesus face buried in his holy hands.

“Nice job, Peter,” He’ll say in a tired voice, then he’ll walk away… gather a small group of people…. which will include 100 toddlers of varied nationality, Paul McCartney, Steve Martin, Sean Connery, Sting, James Taylor, the four hottest nuns he can think of, and Kelly Preston… then drop a giant shit-bomb on the earth four hours after he takes Sting and the rest to Happy Heaven.

Once the smoke clears, he might smite the roach population down to a dull roar and deposit Steve, the guys, and all the nuns in Tuscany… and tell them to start over. He’ll warn Sir Sean (newly young again) to temper the anger and be a King to the remaining survivors. Then he’ll leave them with a poster of Dean Martin, a CD player, and a burned disk with Wish You Were Here and Dean’s greatest hits… because he thinks they were the only thing from the old world worth saving.

Then he books out with McCartney (One of GOD’s favorites) and Kelly Preston (Cuz she’s an angel) and says to the survivors, “Tell the Ukrainians to play dumb till I get back.”

Of course, that’s only if you believe in that stuff.

Open Letter to the Prez.

2009-11-10T11:48:00.007-06:00

Dear Mr. President:

I would like to start this letter off by congratulating you on what I believe to be an excellent effort to carry out the duties of your office in the face of some challenging opposition.

The responsibilities involved in being the Commander-in-Chief for the most powerful nation in the world are more than I can imagine. I hope you continue to maintain your energy, optimism and measured decision making skills throughout your term.

I am writing to submit my opinion regarding your policy as it pertains to the conflict in Afghanistan. While I certainly do not claim to possess even a small portion of the understanding you and your administration have for this issue, I do feel compelled, and perhaps even justified, to express my concerns over the continuance and possible escalation of U.S. military involvement there.

Your decision to gradually withdraw U.S. military presence from Iraq could not have been an easy decision, even with the support of many Americans.

It seems to me – and I suspect regular folks like me can never really be certain – to be a decision that has the best interests of Americans, and the world, at heart. However, I can’t help but wonder why the same logic does not apply to the conflict in Afghanistan.

Perhaps this letter serves as less of a comment and more of a question. Why not cease military action in Afghanistan? The resources (both human and monetary) it takes to continue this conflict seem dangerously high. Yet the results seem elusive, and the benefits seem dubious.

I certainly understand that there is a desire to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice for crimes against the U.S. and the world. I’m aware that there are Afghan citizens who will benefit from NATO military involvement in their country. However, it seems clear that, as the Soviets learned, there can be little sound profit in trying to alter what appears to be the immutable political propensity of Afghanistan.

Continued occupation by military forces in Afghanistan seems to only serve as a galvanizing element of mistrust and resentment towards America and other western industrialized nations.

So again, with due humility, I ask: Why aren’t you working to end U.S military involvement in Afghanistan similar to the way you are working to end it in Iraq?

Also, could you have them bring back the Mc Rib?

Annoying Your Job Interviewer? Not with these tips!

2009-09-29T11:44:00.007-05:00

15 25 Ways to Annoy Your Job Interviewer

On September 28, 2009, Karen Burns wrote a handy little article, on Yahoo, about the 15 things you shouldn’t do during a job interview.

She pointed out that, “everyone knows you shouldn't light up a cigarette at a job interview, or text your closest friend, or eat, or bring your dog, or show up drunk, or challenge the interviewer to arm wrestle." But she also pointed out some less obvious ones like:

Gum chewing

Hair twirling

Slouching

Avoiding eye contact

Knee jiggling or finger drumming

Yawning (or sighing)

Playing with your pen

Checking your cell phone

Nail biting

Sniffling

Picking at, rubbing, or scratching any part of your body

Waving your hands while speaking

Tugging at your cuffs or at the hem of your skirt (Which is especially bad if you’re a dude)

Resting your chin in your hand (Or your hand on THEIR chin)

Smiling too much or not smiling at all

But here are a few others you should definitely avoid:

Smelling like gasoline

Answering the interviewer’s questions in baby talk

Referring to computers as “The magic TV boxes”

Bringing a hooker with you to the interview – (Although, this has been known to be somewhat effective for Wall Street and Government job interviews.)

Dressing in clothing that reveals any part of your hard won Aryan Nation tattoo

Offering the interviewer "a little toot for the snoot"

Dragging a bloodied seal into the interview room. (I realize this is an annoying rule, but your interviewer may be one of them “Liberals”)

Waving a pistol around – (This one is as bad as waving your hands, but perhaps a little more noticeable)

Confessing that you murdered someone (Let them figure that one out themselves)

Masturbation*

Keep these helpful “DON’T DOs” in mind, and you’ll be one step closer to that important new career.

(*During the interview)

Useless as Ballistic Bull-tits

2009-09-24T12:16:00.003-05:00

UNITED NATIONS – With President Barack Obama presiding over an historic session, the U.N. Security Council unanimously approved a U.S.-sponsored resolution Thursday committing all nations to work for a nuclear weapons-free world.

Russia, China and developing nations supported the measure, giving it global clout and strong political backing.

It would be a brilliant gesture… if it there was any hope of it working. In truth, you could almost laugh at the useless absurdity of it. Several decades after the world first experienced the dramatic devastation of the technology, and scores of years after the gripping tensions caused by the cold war, we see the UN calling for a nuclear weapons-free world. It’s taken this largely impotent organization that long to agree on something, so painfully obvious, that it should have been signed and settled over 40 years ago. But I guess progress, even this slow, has to be appreciated at some level.

So now what? With the combined clout of members present in this assembly, one (who is grossly naïve) may think that the day when nuclear weapons are no longer a constant threat to our tenuously positioned species might be somewhere in sight.

But that would be a piteous mistake… and one that very few people with more than a fifth grade education would make. If the UN had one quarter of the influence that it was intended to have, the reality would be different. Korea would have ditched their efforts to play a dangerous nuclear development bluff and the US would never have invaded Iraq.

Outside of keeping the Greeks and the Cypriotes away from throttling each other (by only mere inches) the UN is effectively a dog and pony show put on to pay lip service to world order and global egalitarianism. And it’s a shame, because there is so much potential in a world coalition of good sense.

In the end, however, such potential dwindles down to wishful thinking and foolish optimism. The UN holds about as much clout to world order as Michael Moore has to Donald Trump.

And, while a world free of nukes would benefit every living thing on this blue ball, you can bet your Plutonium 238 that the nuclear powers of the world are about as likely to disarm as Rush Limbaugh is to marry Rosie O’Donnell.

The Debate Reaches a Fever Pitch

2009-07-27T15:15:00.003-05:00

Click on pic for better view.

Jumping on the BAN-Wagon

2009-07-22T13:04:00.006-05:00

Once again, the progress police have started caterwauling about the dangers of using cell phones in your car. So once again I’m going start ranting AGAINST THEM. (See rant dated April 4th 2008)

In mid-July it was reported on all the major network news programs that a study on the dangers of cell phone use in cars had been liberated from anonymity. The report, created by the National Highway Transportation and Safety Administration, was actually written in 2002, but evidently kept under wraps until now. Two public interest groups were able to “rescue” the document as a result of a lawsuit citing the Freedom of Information Act. The ensuing hue and cry suggested that the cell phone industry tried to cover-up the report to avoid negative repercussions to their business.

A spokesperson for the industry, when confronted, said that “the industry” felt that the study was vague and “inconclusive”.

And who can blame them. You think the US Army wants to start updating their TV recruitment ads to show flag-draped coffins being unloaded at the airport? Would the NRA welcome a report that shows 88% of children killed or injured by guns are shot in their own homes or the homes of a friend or relative? Or that gun violence kills more American children than Cancer, Pneumonia, Influenza, Asthma and HIV/AIDS combined? Fuck no!

But let’s really look at what the report says before we go jumping on the “BAN”-wagon. According to the above mentioned report, cell phones contributed to 240,000 accidents and 955 fatalities in 2002.

There were approximately 196 million licensed drivers in the United States in 2003. So, right off the bat, we can note that this is a VERY small fraction of the potential accident victims. On an average, there are more than 6 million car accidents on the roads of the US, annually. More than 3 million people get injured due to car accidents per year and in excess of 42,000 deaths due to car accidents every year… and you cell phone fear-mongers want outlaw progress and convenience for 2.3%?

Guess what, Granny? Making a 1 to 2 ton hunk of metal, rubber and glass hurtle down a rock hard surface at speeds between 50 and 100 mph is fucking dangerous! End of story. People WILL die in the name of faster transportation and increased personal mobility. That’s life! That’s progress. You can’t save everyone from themselves. It’s a terror-dome out there people, so you best get used to it. Drive defensively and expect the worst.

The National Sleep Foundation, working with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, estimated at least 100,000 car crashes a year are caused by drowsy driving in the U.S., and that sleepy driving accounts for at least 1,550 deaths a year. So I guess we should outlaw late nights out with friends and jail sleepy people.

About 30% of the car accident fatalities can be attributed to driving above the speed limits and 33% and above. Still EVERYONE does it.

And how about this you, freaking FASCISTS…? A new study shows a staggering 80% of all car accidents and 65% of near misses are caused by distracted drivers more focused on their burgers than the road. So where’s the ban on eating in the car?

"Distractions like eating can become a problem for drivers who can't react quickly to a sharp curve," according to a study by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

A separate study of 1,000 drivers, conducted by ExxonMobil Corp. discovered more than 70% of drivers eat while driving - and 83% drink beverages. But the crusaders have targeted the cell phone! Unbelievable! Talk about missing the forest for the trees.

Now let me establish this. I don’t work for the cell phone industry. In fact, I don’t even use my cell phone (I’m always leaving it somewhere I can’t remember) so it’s no skin of my ass if they ban the Christly things. Shit, ban it all for my money, I won’t miss a beat. Speaking of which, I wonder how many accidents are caused by playing with the radio or CD player? (11.6%) What about smoking in the car? (1.2%) What about talking to other people in the car? (10.9%) What about putting on makeup in the car? What about driving with your hyperactive Shnauzer in the vehicle? They all rival the cell phone, baby, so better get to banning 'em.

Everywhere you look you’ll see hard admissions on the dangers of these various distractions, but the one that gets all the attentrion... cell phones. Yup, let's ignore all the productivity the things create. Screw that, we WANT the economy in the toilet.

And even though the number of people with cell phones continues to grow, statistics show that car accident fatalities have been witnessing a downward trend in recent years.
Let's face it, the majority of car accidents could be avoided if only the drivers would drive more responsibly.

Now, I know the BAN-wagoners will quickly take up bow-up against drinking and driving… and it’s true that, technically, about 40% of car accident fatalities that occur involve a drunken driver according to the Partnership for Safe Driving, a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C.
Plus, everybody knows you can't drive that well when you're hammered... although after 6 rum and cokes you'd swear you were better than Steve McQueen in Bullit.

But here’s an interesting breakdown of the survey numbers pointed out by Lawrence Taylor a prominent California attorney:

“During the year 2001, the government estimates that 17,448 – or 41 percent – of the deaths on our nation’s highways were "alcohol-related." In addition, approximately 275,000 – or 16 percent – of the injuries were attributed to alcohol. Since the rate of fatalities is so high, and so much higher than the rate of injuries, let’s take a closer look at that statistic. Of the 17,448 fatalities, 2,555 occurred in crashes where alcohol was detected but no one was over the legal limit. In these crashes, alcohol may not have been the primary factor in the crash; speed, distraction or fatigue could have been. That leaves 14,893 deaths that can actually be attributed to alcohol. However, of these, 1,770 were intoxicated pedestrians and cyclists who walked out in front of the vehicles of sober drivers. They had nothing to do with drunk driving. The Partnership questions why these deaths were thrown in with what is normally presented as a drunk driving statistic. That leaves 13,123 deaths that can be attributed to intoxicated drivers. Of these, a staggering 8,308 were intoxicated drivers who killed themselves in crashes. That leaves 4,815 deaths in which intoxicated drivers killed someone other than themselves….”

Listen, no one is suggesting that we all go drink a Mickey and play Nightrider, but let’s stop the selective witch hunt… or, if we can’t do that, let’s just outlaw driving completely and go back to horses and buggies.

Fair & Balanced: More Nonsense

2009-04-10T10:40:00.006-05:00

In the same way that you can find porn for even the most obscure fetish, you can always find a news source that suits your particular belief structure or political bias. There’s news for Christians, (although the words "Christian" and "News" seem somewhat contradictory) aviation enthusiasts, corrosion engineers and even Barry Manilow fans.

So is it really a stretch to believe that there's a news network that indulges right-wingers, neo-cons, and good ol' republicans?

Why should it be hard to understand?

It probably isn’t… but apparently what IS hard is admitting it.

For some strange reason, Fox News, which consistently (if not unabashedly) broadcasts news story with an obvious conservative slant, continues to assert its neutrality.

For certain, there are networks that pay the same homage to liberals, but none that so indignantly assert their fairness in the face of such blatant partiality.

Here’s a random sample of the top political stories posted on FoxNews.com today:

LIZ PEEK: Five Ways Republicans Can Push Back Against the Obama Express
Hollywood Conservatives Encouraged to Come Out of the Closet
Ted Stevens' Judge Angry at Justice Department for Guantanamo Case
Angie Harmon: I'm Not Racist Because I Disagree With Obama
Conservative Groups Declare Obama's Stimulus Bill a War on Prayer
Catholics Outraged With Obama Appointment
MALLORY FACTOR: Why Are Liberals So Worked Up Over South Carolina’s Mark Sanford?
Rove: Biden's a Liar
ANDREA TANTAROS: Tea Parties Will Bring America’s Outrage to a Full Boil
Amnesty + No Border Fence = Disaster

Admittedly there was also a single story about a Texas Congresswoman who made the silly comment that Asians should change their names to be more American, and an, only borderline biased, report on Obama’s plan to “mull” the fate of Chinese detainees at Guantanamo.

If you don’t see the recurring anti-democratic theme running through these headlines, then you are likely as stupid as you look, or simply stuck on the big words – a concussion is also possible, so seek out your physician immediately.

That’s two stories out of 13 that don’t take a conspicuous swipe at liberal politics. Personally I couldn’t give a flying fuck if a station wants to pander to a particular audience – especially an audience with the sheer numbers and buying power of the American right-wing.

But don’t be ridiculous and put the phrase “Fair & Balanced” up on your stinking masthead. That’s just cowardly.

If you’re going to take a side politically, and for your own monetary advantage, don’t be insidious about it. Be proud.

When some slobbering degenerate wants to see pictures of naked pregnant women, he doesn’t buy Playboy… he goes to Naked Pregnant Women.com.

Why shouldn’t a close-minded conservative unapologetically get his news from FOX the “Republican Biased News Source for America”?

C’mon, Fox News, why not dispense with the innuendo and stand up & be counted as a predisposed, right-wing hate-rag and mouthpiece for the ignorant?

You’ve got O’Reilly, Smith, Hannity, and that truckler Colmes has finally had the good sense to stop being the station’s punching bag, so why not announce your affiliation with dignity?

I guess they just don’t have the guts. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Chicken Supremacy Nonsense

2009-04-09T11:15:00.002-05:00

Cage Match/Battle Royale for Chicken Supremacy: The Colonel vs. The General.

Chickens around the world cringe in a terror usually reserved for Bo Pilgrim at the mention of these two poultry prepping pashas. Or they surely would if they understood human language.

In one corner, we have Colonel Harland Sanders, inventor of the delicious, salty, heart-clogging Kentucky Fried Chicken. Mmmmm.

And in the other, General Tso, the purported owner of the equally delicious, sweet, heart-clogging, star of every Super Buffet... General Tso’s Chicken. Mmmm-mm.

We can only muse at the gargantuan entertainment value a fight between these two major Chicken domos would possess.

Sabres drawn… issuing grand war cries… and charging together to settle the ultimate question… mano y mano. Such vile bloodsport can only be dreamed about, but let’s just picture it for one succulent, deep-fried moment, shall we?

Ahhh, the carnage… tastier than a snack box… Now where was I?

The pronunciation of zuǒ which is the actual translation of “Tso” is more or less “dzooah” -so if you really want to impress your Chinese friends while in the buffet line sometime, be sure to blurt out something like, “The Kung Pao here is good, but nothing beats their General Dzooah… heh, heh.” (Or maybe not)

Uninterestingly, I actually met “the Colonel” himself when I was a young lad. He was a nice, quiet, man who shook my hand and patted my head. I remember thinking that he must have rubbed his face in beets, because it was so red… and I never had the pleasure of meeting Tso which is good because:

A.) He might have mistaken me for a Taiping rebel and had me executed
B.) He would have been over 150 by the time I was old enough to remember meeting him – which could have been akward

Anyway, there can be no-doubt that the Colonel virtually body slams General Tso when it comes to a chicken genius fight. This is chiefly, because the General’s hand in the invention of his sugary chicken dish is evidently dubious.

According to good ol Wikipedia, it’s unclear how the General Tso’s Chicken came to bear the name of Zuo Zongtang (左宗棠, 1812–1885), a Qing Dynasty general from Hunan.

Zuo himself is unlikely ever to have tasted the dish.[2] The dish is not found in Changsha, the capital of Hunan. Nor is it found in Xiangyin, the home of General Tso. Moreover, descendants of General Tso still living in Xiangyin, when interviewed, say that they have never heard of such a dish.[4] Now that’s what I call “an inconvenient truth”.

The fact that “the General” probably never invented this yummy namesake is understandable, as he was probably too busy with the 14 year long Taiping Rebellion, in which an estimated 20 million people died. This can really cut into anyone’s spirit of chicken invention.
The Colonel, on the other hand, never had to deal with such distractions because, even though he worked many jobs, including steamboat pilot, insurance salesman, railroad fireman, farmer, and enlisted in the Army as a private when he was only 16, he never really attained the rank of an actual Colonel. In reality, Harland was given the honorary title "Kentucky Colonel" by Governor Ruby Laffoon in 1935.

It’s worth mentioning, however, that though The Colonel’s chicken has made his empire billions of dollars, the tasty General Tso’s chicken has made a few bucks for billions of Chinese food restaurants around the globe.

Sadly, for Zuo Zongtang, it didn’t make him a single Yen. (Though, inadvertently, it probably raises the death toll attributed to the General by a million or so, via complications directly related to the countless cases of diarrhea the dish has caused).

Next time: The Ultimate Knife Fight – Jim Bowie vs. Sal Glesser.

No, not really.

US-Russia: Pressing the "Reset" Button - By Gwynne Dyer

2009-03-24T09:11:00.006-05:00

Over the past year the United States and Russia have been drifting into a hostile relationship, driven by the US decision to install anti-missile defences in eastern Europe, the war in Georgia last August, and the recent fiasco over Russian natural gas supplies to Europe. There was nervous chatter about a new Cold War, but last month US Vice-President Joe Biden said that the Obama administration was going to "press the reset button" in its relations with Russia. Now it has done it.

At the NATO summit on 5 March, the alliance agreed to resume high-level contacts with Moscow in the NATO-Russia Council, which were suspended after the Georgian war. The following day, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton met Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov in Brussels and gave him a mock reset button. "There was a rather confrontational approach towards Russia in the prior administration," she explained.

The notion of a new Cold War was pretty silly anyway, since Russia, unlike the old Soviet Union, is not a "peer competitor" to the United States. It has only half America's population, its former industrial basehas largely evaporated, and the only areas in which it is technologically competitive with the rest of the developed world are defence and space.

Even if there were a NATO-Russian confrontation, it would cause a little local difficulty, not a world-spanning Cold War.

None of the disputes and misunderstandings between Washington and Moscow came from a hostile intent on either side. Take the anti-ballistic missile (ABM) defences being built in Poland and the Czech Republic. The Bush administration said that the interceptor missiles and radars of the system were there to intercept nuclear-tipped long-range missiles fired by Iran, and expected the Russians to believe it.

Unsurprisingly, the Russians didn't believe it, because Iran has neither missiles capable of reaching the United States nor any nuclearwarheads to put on them. So Moscow thought the ABM system was really intended to shoot down Russian missiles and thus undermine the country's ability to deter the United States.

Russia worked itself into such a lather about the ABM missiles that President Dmitry Medvedev announced on the day after Barack Obama'selection victory last November that short-range Russian missiles would be installed in Kaliningrad, a Russian enclave on the Polish border, to destroy those American bases on short notice. But the ABM missiles are inthe wrong place to intercept Russian ICBMs, and they don't really work anyway.

They have never worked properly, despite tens of billions of dollars poured into the ABM project (aka "Star Wars", National Missile Defence, etc.) during the past quarter-century. The sole practical result of the programme, over the whole of its existence, has been to pour money into the pockets of American defence contractors. But the Russians are too paranoid to accept that, and the programme has such strong support in Congress that the Obama administration is merely "reviewing" it, rather than cancelling it outright.

As for the war in Georgia last August, it was Georgian president Mikheil Saakashvili who started it, not the Russians. They responded violently to Georgia's attempt to conquer South Ossetia in a surprise offensive, but they did not stay long in Georgia itself, nor did they seize the capital, Tbilisi, although the road was wide open.

Hillary Clinton still insists that the door is open to Georgian membership in NATO, but that would simply turn it into a two-class alliance. Regardless of what promises they made, NATO countries would never really fight a war with Russia on Georgia's behalf.

It's the same with the quarrel between Russia and Ukraine over the price of gas that left half of eastern Europe freezing in their homes lastDecember. There was incompetence and bloody-mindedness a plenty on both sides, but it wasn't part of some Russian master-plan for world domination.So it is high time to reset the relationship.

There are belligerent minor players on both sides, but the Obama administration seems to have sent out orders to squelch them. Last week, for example, a couple of Russian bombers flew to within a couple of hundred kilometres (miles) of Canada's Arctic coast, a mere five thousand kilometres (three thousand miles) from the Canadian capital.

Canada scrambled fighters to "send a strong signal that they should back off and stay out of our airspace," according to Defence Minister Peter McKay, and Prime Minister Stephen Harper sternly declared that Canada would not be intimidated. "This government has responded every time the Russians have done that," he said. "We will defend our airspace." But the Russians were not in Canada's airspace.

"The Russians have conducted themselves professionally," responded General Gene Renuart, the American officer who commands NORAD, the Canada-US air defence alliance, in an implicit rebuke to the sabre-rattling Canadians. "They have maintained compliance with the international rules of airspace compliance and have not entered the internal airspace of either country."

That is probably just what the Obama administration wants from Russia: a professional relationship between two grown-up countries that know and respect the rules. For a start, Hillary Clinton and Sergei Lavrov committed the two countries to negotiate a new Strategic Arms ReductionTreaty (START) by the end of the year, but more will follow.

The tide has turned.

Giant Sucking Noise Pinpointed: Hollywood

2008-12-17T16:41:00.006-06:00

It must be horrible to work in “Hollywood”. I know most people think it would be cool. One long coke-binge with the beautiful people... but I bet it really isn’t.

Here’s the accumulation of the world’s artistic creativity all rammed into one place like a Wal-Mart on Black Friday. And every star-struck wannabe from Bellingham to Key Largo, who’s adequately jacked-up on self-delusion, wants a piece of the action.

It makes you wish more people suffered from agoraphobia.

Then, from the Hollywood-spawned pit of abomination, (aka "TV") crawls the “Reality Show” amidst an already vacuous, miasmic, stench of game shows and too many Docterin’ & Lawyerin’ dramas. And, magically, the average writer is instantly reduced to level of a subway busker or Strip hooker.

It’s enough to make a reasonably intelligent person want to smash themselves in the face with the back end of a claw hammer.

But it doesn’t stop there – the monkey shines continue as “Hollywood” rolls out their parade of cliché-ridden cop movies, unnecessary remakes and desperately written sequels.

Does Get Smart REALLY need to be RE-MADE? Is any lawyer on the face of the earth as glib and spontaneous as James Spader? Is any police department filled with such good looking flatfoots as CSI New York? Fucking doubtful. Escapism is one thing -- delusion is quite another.

I went to an ER about 6 months ago. Not one person there was as good looking as the people on the show of the same name... and every person I talked to had the personality of an uncooked lentil. Not to mention that they moved at the speed of paint and were, for the most part, only talented at looking clueless... or bored.

I’d like to go to a hospital like the ones on TV (Gray’s Anatomy, ER, etc) where all the doctors and interns are beautiful and smart and don’t act the way the place usually smells.

Incidentally, I was in the ER because I had just accidentally watched a few minutes of The Game. It sent me into violent fits of mouth vomits and my legs fell off. – just fell off! And they started hopping individually towards the TV. They instinctively tried to kick the TV, but I grappled for the remote and turned off the set. My disembodied limbs fell lifelessly to the rug and I dragged myself to the car and drove semi-conscious to the ER.

The Game is an evil show that is about a group of women who all have relationships with professional football players. (Wow, I can really relate...not at all) Defiled with ridiculously placed canned laughter, it leaves you confused and wanting to kill puppies... then yourself.

Seriously... beware of this show. Don’t be channel surfing anywhere near the CW Fridays around 8:30 pm.

Better to stab yourself in the arm and spend an hour sewing the wound shut, than to chance seeing this slop because your finger slipped on the remote unwittingly.

The American Dream: The Opiate of the Gullible

2008-12-13T12:17:00.012-06:00

It’s hard to fully perceive the mess we’re in. We little people… and by that I mean those of us who make under $250,000 per year, but who make up the lion’s share of the population in North America.

The filthy bastards who make more than this have decided that it is their divine providence to pass judgment on the rest of us. Amidst their three hour lunches, corporate welfare, and bi-weekly trips to the beach house on the coast, they point accusatory fingers at the common man. Charging that it is some lack of acumen or grey matter that keeps the rest of us from enjoying the decadence they do.

Check this out someday. Follow one of these sanctimonious fat cats around and count how many times they put pen to paper-- you’ll find they don’t do it much.
(and signing checks does not count. Any 10 year old can sign a check. Just ask Macaulay Culkin and the rest of his brothers.)

How do they pull this Enron-sized scam? Because we let them. Rampant throughout the population live germs like “Joe the plumber” who, when not acting the dull-witted toady of the elite, shills his American dream with a level of delusion that is nothing less that staggering.

For every fairy tale of a “beggar on the street who owns a Mercedes” there is a real and more treacherous tale of $50 billion Bernard Madoff "Ponzi” schemes, CEO graft, Goldman Sachs' taxpayer-funded bonuses and Fortune 500 offshore tax evasion.

It’s all bullshit and we eat it with a serving ladle.

Car companies spend millions on advertising instead of building good cars, then ask for bailouts from the government. Insurance companies spend millions trying to fear monger the dangers of universal healthcare to research and development at a witless public. Meanwhile the govt spends tenfold on weapons.

Don't kid yourself, research and development keeps the big drug companies competitive and in business. They are not about to stop it. However, the Insurance companies are praying you believe they will... just because of the emergence of some government run healthcare.

Is it the preferred philosophy to say "tough beans" for the average sick person as long as we keep the big drug companies healthy?

Many companies in countries that have universal healthcare still continue to do valuable research & development.

Perhaps (and I’m just spit-balling here)we should spend a few billion less on war efforts and "possible" threats to human lives and spend a little more on R&D grants for KNOWN threats like Cancer, Heart Disease and Alzheimer's.

In 2006 Cancer killed something like 2.1 million Americans and continues to post those types of casualties.

Compare that to these 2005 numbers:

U.S. citizens worldwide killed as a result of incidents of terrorism: 56

U.S. citizens worldwide injured as a result of incidents of terrorism: 17
U.S. citizens worldwide kidnapped as a result of incidents of terrorism: 11
Individuals worldwide killed as a result of incidents of terrorism: 14,602

Even adding the well over 4,000 Americans who were killed in the Iraq War, you have a major statistical imbalance in favor of Cancer - and that's NOT counting other major diseases.

Favoring the fight against "potential” attacks to America versus the fight against proven and fully active threats like Cancer is flawed logic.

It's time to throw away the political partisanship and get logical about what threats America throws all its money at. At the very least, there needs to be balance. Cure cancer and suddenly dealing with out of control healthcare costs doesn't seem so impossible - does it?

An Amendment to the 2nd Amendment

2008-12-12T14:35:00.002-06:00

The NFL Players Association filed a grievance on Tuesday challenging the suspension and fine given to Plaxico Burress by the New York Giants after the receiver accidentally shot himself in a nightclub more than a week ago.

I know the gun goofs hold their right to own penis extensions as dear as their grandmothers, but Second Amendment be damned... can we at least agree that if you shoot yourself with your own gun, YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE ANYMORE?

That's fair... isn't it?

Gimme 1 Good Reason

2008-11-20T14:42:00.005-06:00

I decided to make a list of reasons to drink beer. It turned out to be a much shorter list than I thought.

A sports event

Success of any kind -- i.e. managing to get through the day in one piece.

Failure of any kind

Feeling thirsty

That's all I could come up with.

A Parting Shot

2008-10-23T10:01:00.008-05:00

I really will miss this guy. He's sooo funny.

In fairness, we never really did get any oil from all this military muscle flexing.

We'd have been better off just finding some OPEC 10% off coupons and saving a few thousand American lives... but hey it's all blood under the bridge now. Let's move forward.

No matter what happens in November, the country can't possibly do worse. Both candidates make "The Dub" look like my pet goat.

But you'd paste his face on any picture and you had insta-hilarity. I mean look at those close set beady eyes...that chimpish mouth. Man, you couldn't even PLAN it to be more amusing.

Bushie-boy goes down with an economy in shambles -- Bin Laden still on the lam -- the arctic ice shelf a little smaller --and gay marriage firmly banished to the wings. All the while pointing an accusatory finger at the "dreaded Liberal" and "socialism" -- words he can barely pronounce let alone understand.

So now Georgie can move to Dallas, a stronghold of right-wing ignorance, misguided elitism and barely closeted racism.He’ll buy a big mansion in Highland Park and do some work for charity, but my guess is he’ll spend the rest of his days mostly incognito – in hiding from anything that exposes too much of his mediocre personality to the public.

And you can’t say he hasn’t earned that respite.

He’s taken a beating through the years, though mostly through is own devices, so I have to believe the ol’ frat boy is feeling like a motorcycle (2 tired).

The pure incompetence of W’s regime will be blamed on the Left by 50% of the nation. There’s no escaping it. Republicans never admit defeat and are incapable of holding themselves responsible for anything they do.

The recession will end eventually, and on that day George may poke his head out of his mansion and say, “See? I told you there was no recession.” But by then the hounds will be at some other slob’s door, and it might just be accepted as gospel.

Speaking of gospel, I was looking at some online poll that asked the proverbial question:

Was Jesus a Democrat or a Republican?

Though a decent percentage of people asserted that he was neither, (or that there was no way of knowing) the rest slid down the greasy poles of political bias.

Several posited that not only was Jesus a Republican, but that he was also very much alive and walking the earth. This type of logic is comparable to the droolings of Mark David Chapman just before he finally went off his nut.
It’s a hilarious question though. What concept could Jesus have of the political differences between Dems versus GOPs - or Hummers versus Volkswagens - or any other 21st Century concept?
Never mind that nonsense! There are more compelling questions to answer… and we’re running out of time.

For instance:

What would Elvis use? A Blackberry or an iPhone?

What Big-12 school would Abraham Lincoln have preferred? One with a good Poli-Sci program or one where he could make the Basketball team?

What would Billy Graham do if he was instantly transported to Jerusalem during the time of Jesus?

A.) Get beheaded instantly
B.) Get beheaded after a brief, but brutal, round of torture
C.) Meet Jesus and get in to an argument with him over religion
D.) Run and hide in a cave, sniveling like a little girl
E.) Have his tongue cut out for spewing BS in a strange language, and then get beheaded

No Guff 2: Triumph of the Obvioids

2008-10-17T08:42:00.006-05:00

(Reuters) – Billionaire investor Warren Buffett is buying U.S. stocks, he wrote in an opinion column in the New York Times.
"A simple rule dictates my buying: Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful," Buffett wrote in the paper.
Buffett acknowledged the economic news was bad, with the financial world in a mess, unemployment rising and business activity faltering.
"What is likely, however, is that the market will move higher, perhaps substantially so, well before either sentiment or the economy turns up," he said. "So if you wait for the robins, spring will be over."

OH HOLY FUCK! How pedantic! The FUCKING BILLIONAIRE is buying flagging US Stocks!?!?!

I bet he's buying another mansion/jet/yacht, too.

Well geez, who figured it could be so simple? Maybe he's really going to spare a few million and buy into this Wall St. fire sale - GENIUS.

But wait, I have this crazy notion that even the profoundly retarded could figure this tactic out.

Let's see, I have BILLIONS OF DOLLARS... yup, check that off... I've already bought a little of EVERYTHING on the planet... uh-huh, got that covered... Now, with US stocks cheaper than they've been in years... I THINK I'LL BUY!

Is it any wonder why we sanctify rich c*nts like him? They're sooo smart. What's his next epiphany? Wear a seatbelt?

Warren Buffett? Fricking Jimmy Buffett could do this math.

I'd give the guy more credit if he told people to spend their money on whores.

I think the US should introduce a new tax - a federal one for being a smarmy, rich ass-fuck.

NO GUFF!

2008-10-06T13:54:00.004-05:00

Afghan war cannot be won militarily: U.N

(re-posted)

By Jonathon Burch

The war in Afghanistan cannot be won militarily and success is only possible through political means including dialogue between all relevant parties, the United Nations' top official in the country said Monday.

His comments come after Britain's military commander in Afghanistan said the war could not be won and that the goal was to reduce the insurgency to a level where it was no longer a strategic threat and could be dealt with by the Afghan army.

Brigadier Mark Carleton-Smith said if the Taliban were willing to talk, that might be "precisely the sort of progress" needed to end the insurgency.

"I've always said to those that talk about the military surge ... what we need most of all is a political surge, more political energy," Kai Eide, the U.N. special envoy to Afghanistan, told a news conference in Kabul.

"We all know that we cannot win it militarily. It has to be won through political means. That means political engagement."

Eide said success depended on speaking with all sides in the conflict. "If you want to have relevant results, you must speak to those who are relevant. If you want to have results that matter, you must speak to those who matter," he said.

Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman said: "We're not losing in Afghanistan, though there certainly is a recognition that there's more we could be doing there."

Asked about the possibility of negotiations with the Taliban, he replied: "This is not an element of our strategy. They have terrorized Afghan society for years."

The British ambassador to Kabul said a troop surge would only create more targets for the

Taliban. The comments were made to a French colleague who sent a telegram to Paris which was leaked and published in Le Canard Enchaine newspaper last week.

But the U.S. general commanding NATO forces said last month he needed three more brigades -- possibly around 15,000 troops -- on top of an extra 4,000 soldiers due to arrive in January.

The Afghan Defense Ministry says the cost of one foreign soldier in Afghanistan is equal to more than 60 Afghan troops.

Some facts adrift in veep debate re-posted

2008-10-03T15:33:00.006-05:00

THUS BEGINS the story of political treachery

By CALVIN WOODWARD, Associated Press WriterFri Oct 3, 7:58 AM ET

Republican Sarah Palin criticized a version of a Barack Obama health care plan that doesn't exist and Democrat Joe Biden clung to a misleading charge about Republicans and big oil when the two clashed in the vice presidential debate Thursday.
Some examples of facts cast adrift in the debate:

PALIN: Said of Democratic presidential candidate Obama: "94 times he voted to increase taxes or not support a tax reduction."

THE FACTS: The dubious count includes repetitive votes as well as votes to cut taxes for the middle class while raising them on the rich. An analysis by factcheck.org found that 23 of the votes were for measures that would have produced no tax increase at all, seven were in favor of measures that would have lowered taxes for many, 11 would have increased taxes on only those making more than $1 million a year.
___
BIDEN: Complained about "economic policies of the last eight years" that led to "excessive deregulation."

THE FACTS: Biden voted for 1999 deregulation that liberal groups are blaming for part of the financial crisis today. The law allowed Wall Street investment banks to create the kind of mortgage-related securities at the core of the problem now. The law was widely backed by Republicans as well as by Democratic President Clinton, who argues it has stopped the crisis today from being worse.

Biden voting for this does not change the fact that the economic policies of the Bush Admin have sucked.
___
PALIN: Criticized Obama's "plan to mandate health care coverage and have universal government run program" for health care, and added: "I don't think it's going to be real pleasing for Americans to consider health care being taken over by the Feds."

THE FACTS: Wrong on several counts. Obama's plan does not provide for universal coverage, only mandates insurance for children and doesn't turn the system over to the government. Most people would still get private insurance through their work. Obama proposes that the government subsidize the cost of health coverage for millions who have trouble affording it and he'd set up an exchange to negotiate prices and benefits with private insurers — with one option being a government-run plan.
___
BIDEN: Warned that Republican presidential candidate John McCain's $5,000 tax credit to help families buy health coverage "will go straight to the insurance company."

THE FACTS: That's not surprising — the money is meant to pay for health insurance. The Obama campaign tried to capitalize on the candidates' health care exchange by issuing an ad Friday contending that the Republicans can't explain "the McCain health tax.

I may be bias, but this seems like less of a factual error, and more a case of "making a weak point"
___
PALIN: "Two years ago, remember, it was John McCain who pushed so hard with the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac reform measures. He sounded that warning bell."

THE FACTS: Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska led an effort in 2005 to tighten regulation on the mortgage underwriters — McCain joined as a co-sponsor a year later. The legislation was never taken up by the full Senate, then under Republican control.
___
BIDEN: Said McCain supports tax breaks for oil companies, and "wants to give them another $4 billion tax cut."

THE FACTS: Biden is repeating a favorite saw of the Obama campaign, and it's misleading. McCain supports a cut in income taxes for all corporations, and doesn't single out any one industry for that benefit.

If oil companies qualify as part of "all corporations" then this statement is still valid.
___
PALIN: Said the United States has reduced its troop level in Iraq to a number below where it was when the troop increase began in early 2007.

THE FACTS: Not correct. The Pentagon says there are currently 152,000 U.S. troops in Iraq, about 17,000 more than there were before the 2007 military buildup began.
___
BIDEN: "As a matter of fact, John recently wrote an article in a major magazine saying that he wants to do for the health care industry — deregulate it and let the free market move — like he did for the banking industry."

THE FACTS: Biden and Obama have been perpetuating this distortion of what McCain wrote in an article for the American Academy of Actuaries. McCain, laying out his health plan, only referred to deregulation when saying people should be allowed to buy health insurance across state lines. In that context, he wrote: "Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation."
___
PALIN: Said Alaska is "building a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline, which is North America's largest and most expensive infrastructure project ever to flow those sources of energy into hungry markets."

THE FACTS: Not quite. Construction is at least six years away. So far the state has only awarded a license to Trans Canada Corp., that comes with $500 million in seed money in exchange for commitments toward a lengthy and costly process to getting a federal certificate. At an August news conference after the state Legislature approved the license, Palin said, "It's not a done deal."
___
PALIN: "Barack Obama even supported increasing taxes as late as last year for those families making only $42,000 a year."

BIDEN: "The charge is absolutely not true. Barack Obama did not vote to raise taxes."

THE FACTS: The vote was on a nonbinding budget resolution that assumed that President Bush's tax cuts would expire, as scheduled, in 2011. If that actually happened, it could mean higher taxes for people making as little as about $42,000. But Obama is proposing tax increases only on the wealthy, and would cut taxes for most others.

Obama may, in fact, BE proposing tax increases (how else would he be able to pay back the massive deficit?) - but the statement was that he, "...did not vote to raise taxes" - past tense!
___
PALIN: Said a McCain-Palin administration "will support Israel," including "building our embassy ... in Jerusalem."

THE FACTS: Moving the U.S. Embassy from its present location in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem is a perennial promise of presidential candidates courting the Jewish-American vote. In fact, moving the embassy is actually required by U.S. law. But successive administrations of both parties, including George W. Bush's, have made the same pledge only to find that the realities of Middle East peacemaking have forced them to invoke a waiver to delay it. Jerusalem is claimed as a capital by both Israel and the Palestinians and Israel's occupation of east Jerusalem is not internationally recognized. The city's status is one of the key issues of disagreement in peace negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians.
___
Associated Press writers Tom Raum, Steve Quinn, Jim Kuhnhenn, Lolita Baldor and Matthew Lee contributed to this report.

It's Getting Ugly Out There

2008-09-29T09:48:00.008-05:00

The natives are restless and the savages are out for blood. Now is not the time to be walking around with diamond-studded dollar sign cufflinks – that kind of display could result in a public massacre especially if you’re caught on Wall St.

But here’s a modest survival tip for these treacherous times: Never… EVER try to change a Republican’s mind.

It’s easier to simply crush your own head in a vice.

If you DO find yourself in a disagreement with one, immediately begin backing away slowly. As with most crazy beasts, try to avoid eye contact. A smile and agreeable (if spurious) head nod should be used if necessary… then, when you’ve reached a safe distance. Run or lock a door between you and them. It’s the safest bet. After that, stay away, lest the “crazy” rub off on you.

This morning I heard the local neo-con station here in Texas explaining to listeners that this entire economic bail-out is the “FAULT” of a Democratic Congress. No mention was made of the fact that George Bush was backing the bail-out.

I had always thought that Republicans believed in business Darwinism and "small government". I thought that they wanted to keep politics "out of the boardroom" - That they supported privatizing everything?

Then I heard, amidst a Republican Regime, about an $85 billion loan to AIG in exchange for a nearly 80 percent stake in the company, which lost billions in the risky business of insuring against bond defaults.

Plus, a few Tuesdays ago, the Federal Reserve injected 70 billion dollars of liquidity to help stressed financial markets. And that's not mentioning the $200 billion to save both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

According to one report, the US government has spent $900 billion this year in taking over failing companies - this includes the Fannie and Freddie bail-out.

So the $700 Billion Dollar bail-out crafted by both Repubs and Dems will now attempt to be passed and made real. Then I assume it will be added to the national debt which is already surging toward the $10 trillion mark.

So Bush is the President and leader of the country. He is a Republican. He has authorized trillions on the war. He has authorized billions in corporate bail-outs. He has CUT INCOME TAX.
BUT – this is the fault of the democrats.

Well, that tears it.

Vote Republican, All!

Wallow in the psychotic stink that comes from a complete lack of accountability or social responsibility. I applaud you.

It is said that countries get the governments they deserve. This seems axiomatic now.

Check please!

Clay Aiken is Gay

2008-09-24T13:26:00.007-05:00

Clay, meet Lance Bass.

Lance, this is Clay....

You two have a lot in common...

You both sing!

Way to Support the Troops, A-Holes!

2008-09-11T12:26:00.005-05:00

As another US military death in Afghanistan increases this year's death toll to 112, and makes 2008 the deadliest for American forces in Afghanistan since the U.S. invaded the country in response to the Sept. 11 attacks, we have to ask ourselves if Operation Enduring Freedom is half as important to the US than the one they are caught up in over in Iraq.

In June, militants killed more U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan than in Iraq for the second straight month. While the trend is in part due to falling violence in Iraq, it also reflects rising violence in Afghanistan and the Taliban's growing strength. The 40-nation international coalition is much broader in Afghanistan, where half of the 65,000 international troops are American.

On Jan. 16, 2008, US Defense Secretary Robert Gates smugly said he believes NATO forces currently deployed in southern Afghanistan "don't know how to do counterinsurgency operations."

Way to fucking support the troops! Evidently US troops are above criticism, but to hell with our allies. Any democrat who blathered a similar remark against the US Military in Iraq would be instantly branded with treason.

Most of the NATO troops in the south are British, Canadian and Dutch, while those in the north are US – however the The NATO forces are led by a U.S. commander. Washington announced the temporary deployment of 3,200 Marines to southern Afghanistan to quell the rising number of attacks. (LAT, Jan. 16). The UK has lost 86 troops in Afghanistan; the Netherlands have lost 14. The Canadian death toll in Afghanistan is 78, including one diplomat. Total coalition fatalities stand at 760, with 480 from the US. 2007 was by far the bloodiest year, with 232 fatalities. (Coalition Casualty Count, Jan. 16)

Leaving this battle to the Dutch, English and Canadians may not be the best tactic, to be sure… so why not send in the A-Team, already? Go ahead!

Or… you could just realize nobody is doing any good there, get out, and shut your festering gobs.

Palin Comparison

2008-09-04T10:21:00.009-05:00

The Repub(e)s are raving about their girl Palin this morning who delivered a feisty speech at the national convention September 3. Once again throwing the media under the bus for what amounts to "calling them out" the GOP faithful circled the wagons and berated the 5th estate for jumping on the fact her (very) young daughter was pregnant and out of wedlock.

Because we wouldn't want anyone reporting anything that could be seen as negative, would we?

No acknowledgement to the POV that it's a little out of place for a party who generally preaches abstinence, the sanctity of marriage, and Christian Family Values. I missed the part where Christian Family Values started advocating un-wed pregnancies, but it wouldn't surprise me to learn they "modified" the rule to serve their purposes.

Still, it's of no real consequence to me personally, or the running of the nation, but what is, is the usual drivel the righty-tighties spewed out in their tendentious orations last night.

The Neo-Cons can try to shoot the messenger if they want - but the truth is they just don't like to be exposed.

Checking the facts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPo9sCqza98

Here is an great article re-posted here without permission -- (hope the writer will forgive me)

By JIM KUHNHENN, Associated Press Writer Wed Sep 3, 11:48 PM ET

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.
Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.
Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.
He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.
FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats been in charge of the House and Senate.
___
Associated Press Writer Jim Drinkard in Washington contributed to this report.

How I Hope Heaven Looks Like This

2008-08-19T08:09:00.002-05:00

Wells Gray P. P.

Dope is for dopes, MAN!!!

2008-08-15T10:25:00.002-05:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Dancing Down the Moon (with apologies to Dianne Sylvan)

2008-07-16T14:46:00.011-05:00

In the future, total solar eclipses will no longer be possible... so states an article.
That's because every year the moon drifts 4 cm further away from the earth.

This naturally poses the query: "Will the Moon eventually swing out of earth's orbit?"

Fortunately, (I think), Aerospaceweb.org answers thusly:

"The Moon will eventually move far enough from Earth that its orbit will stabilize and increase no further. Theoretically, the Moon's orbit will eventually stabilize at a distance 1.6 times what it is today in about 15 billion years. I say theoretically since our current understanding of the Sun is that it will expand into a red giant in only five billion years or so and destroy both the Earth and Moon in the process."

It's a cool thing to allay the fears of an event that's 15 billion years away by reminding us that 5 billion years from now the earth will be toast.

It's like being so worried about getting to work in the morning, that we fail to see the stop sign at the intersection, and -- BLAMMO -- we're grill cheese... instantly, getting to work on-time is no longer a big-ass concern.

Of course, this is a much exaggerated analogy, since the difference between getting to work on time, your life, and a few billion years is... well, largely large-ish.

It's easy for a fatalist like 'ol Elbow to dwell on the futile eventuality of it all.

Many more of us human-heads can vidi the extended calendar, realize we have no children, and slowly start wondering how the future could possibly concern us any more than our choice of great-tasting, breakfast cereal.

With factoids like the one mentioned above, even the most zealous "I-believe-that-children-are-our-fucking-future" votarist, thrall can begin to see the bootlessness of our earthly condition.

But, as with so many things that trouble and confuse us, we simply refuse to ponder it too heavily and continue living in the moment. A moment where next week's plans become truly compelling, and the prospect of Star Trekian Utopias seem not only possible, but down-right essential. Where the price of a slurpie can really enrage us and a "dollar off" coupon can bring us back to inner peace.

Meanwhile, the moon slips a little further away, the stock market fluctuates, and another 6.1 billion people take a dump, wipe their ass, then go on to their next meaningless endeavor.

And a Happy Birthday 2 U 2, Brothah!

2008-07-03T10:50:00.003-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS-FoXbjVI

Happy Birthday, Kid!

2008-07-01T16:15:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGHMw_67fOk

It Just Makes Sense

2008-06-30T10:45:00.007-05:00

But the best reason of all is because... it's the Republican's mess - so why not let them clean it up?

Forget the fact that the right-wing perpetually points the finger at democratic government spending while continually authorizing staggering, unprecidented amounts of money towards the military to ostensibly fight terrorism.

"Terrorism," like "fascism," is one of those words that people routinely apply to almost any behaviour they disapprove of.

- Gwynne Dyer

They cut frivolous liberal expenditures like funding for cancer research and education, give you a check for $600 bones this month, then send another $255 million towards the Iraqi quagmire.

"(Last February) the Pentagon asked Congress for the biggest defence budget since the Second World War: $515 billion, plus an additional $70 billion to cover the costs of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq for part of the coming year.

The United States is proposing to spend more on the armed forces, quite apart from the running costs of Iraq and Afghanistan, than it did at the height of the Cold War against the Soviet Union -- and yet almost all the commentary and analysis in the US media has focussed on the spending on the two wars. Even that is a lot of money.

The US Congress has already approved is $190 billion for this year alone. Not only that, but some of the money in the regular defence budget can also be indirectly attributed to America's wars in the Muslim world, like the expenditure on new equipment to replace the weapons that have been destroyed or worn out inthe wars. And there is a great deal more money in the current US defence budget -- probably three times as much -- that has nothing to do with the"war on terror." Even if you accept the deeply suspect proposition that invading foreign countries is a useful way to fight terrorism, invading the target countries (which generally do not inhabit the higher reaches of the technological pecking order) does not require eleven aircraft carriers and fleets of stealth bombers."

- Gwynne Dyer

And just today (July 30th), Bush signed into law another 162-billion-dollar spending bill funding the Afghanistan and Iraq wars well into 2009 -- roughly six months into his successor's term. Then he has the nuts to wave his pen at the press and claim he's stopping the Dems from spending your hard earned money.

Although it is looking very likely that Obama and the Dems may win the 2008 race, do not underestimate the American voters latent desire to continue living under the leadership of a government that embraces gun love, race hate, corporate welfare and perpetual war.

As Dyer smartly points out, another thing that could swing the 2008 election in favor of the Republicans is another large-scale terrorist attack on the United States. Because let's face it, Osama bin Laden is well aware that his greatest recruiting tool in the Arab world is the American military presence in Iraq.

You Can Lead A Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Care About Silly Human Endeavors

2008-06-12T12:34:00.005-05:00

As Dan Gelston, AP sports writer noted, “Big Brown’s Triple Crown bid is finished. So is his undefeated career record.”

“In one mystifying run at the Belmont Stakes, Big Brown’s legacy disintegrated with racing’s 12th Triple Crown on the line in New York.”

Despite convincing Preakness and K-Derby victories and memorable “Scholastic Rock” ditties, Big Brown decided three was NOT a magic number.

Obviously, the real loser here was the sport of thoroughbred racing, because let’s face it; Big Brown couldn’t give a wet bag of oats whether he won or lost… BECAUSE HE’S A FREAKIN’ HORSE.

“Big Brown wasn’t Big Brown,” said Nick Zito, who trained long-shot winner Da’ Tara.
Aha! Then we are to believe there was an impostor horse running with BB’s number!?!
Or... was it in fact because, like so many HUMAN athletes, he just didn’t "WANT it bad enough?" Could we speculate the “effort” wasn’t there? Maybe he just "didn’t pay attention to the fundamentals that had brought him past success".

Those clichés sound fucking goofy when you're talking about a fast cow (aka Horse), don't they?

“No one really has the answers to Big Brown’s woes,” said one article.

But my crazy guess is, after I dispose with the anthropomorphic twaddle, that Big Brown has absolutely no “woes” today. He is simply concerned with which tree to nibble grass under, or perhaps casually looking for a good spot to drop one of his very own “big browns”.

We humans have saddled young Brownie with some of our own nutty aspirations and attempted to bridle him with the pressures and expectations we apparently no longer reserve for just professional athletes.

But no matter how much we’d like Big Brown to care, he will never understand or give a half trot about our strange efforts to achieve historical notoriety, money or power.

He will never have to get up in front of the media to explain that he’d never knowingly taken Horsey-Steroids or that it wasn’t his previous night at the peeler bar that dulled his racing prowess.

For all we know, Big Brown took one sniff of Da’ Tara’s arse, and headed as far down wind as he could get.

BB didn’t feel like running fast on Sunday, and he saw no horse sense in taking the lead. It doesn’t take Robert Redford to figure out that whisper, race fans.

“There’s nothing physically that’s shown up,” said Co-owner Michael Iavarone, “I’m as confused as anybody.”

No guff, Dr. Doolittle! But let me clear up your confusion. Horses probably have a reason, (however simple those “reasons” may be) for everything they do. But fortunately for them, they are not compelled to clear it with us.

“Sports” fans, (and with horse-racing I use the term loosely) have lost this year's opportunity to glorify an animal’s physical prowess and bestow a human-like level of integrity and drive.

But for Big Brown, he will likely live out the rest of his days at the stud farm, enjoying warm summers at the ranch, and high dollar hay. And, because he's a horse, he'll never stop to ponder the "whys" or "what-could-have-beens".

His owners will continue to take care of him, arrange mate-dates with other cute thoroughbreds, and visit him in his stall… all the while being careful not to step in one of his freshly dropped “triple crowns”.

A Funai Thing Happened To Me On The Way To Progressburgh

2008-05-30T12:24:00.003-05:00

One of Brazil's last uncontacted Indian tribes has been spotted in the far western Amazon jungle near the Peruvian border – although not so “near” that they might have just come across advanced civilization on a day trip, the National Indian Foundation said Thursday.

The Indians were sighted in an Ethno-Environmental Protected Area along the Envira River in flights over remote Acre state, said the Brazilian government foundation, known as Funai.

There are more than 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide, most of them in Brazil and Peru, and one or two in Mississippi the group said in a statement.

“It’s so funny, they think we’re like, aliens er something,” said one of the pilots of the plane, “They was shootin’ us with them arrows like a buncha dummies… I mean, get with the program, Hiawatha!”

A National Indian Foundation spokesperson remarked that the men looked healthy, saying, “this is an example of how well a man can thrive without McDonalds and women’s rights.”

I keep telling my wife that we’ve just got to get on that uncontacted list, but I can’t seem to find the Web site. Makes me wonder how these Brazilian natives managed.

Plus, I’ve tried shooting arrows at my homeowner’s association, but they keep slipping the dues bill under my door.

THE WEATHER-WATCH PARADOX

2008-05-29T15:47:00.004-05:00

Around the Dallas area, you get a fair number of thunder storms which, occasionally, will segue into a trailer-trashing tornado… especially at certain times of the year. It’s a going concern for the people who live here, and we definitely require the timely warnings of strategically placed air-raid sirens to tip us to the impending tempests.

It’s “that time of year” again here in the DFW Metroplex, so lately our local weather knobs have been breaking into our prime time TV programming to advise us that the Doppler is going tie-dye and disgruntled … again.

This is particularly annoying if the “weather” they break-in to report on is actually passing 10 to 25 miles north or south of the city.

I know I’m being selfish, but if the weather is going to hit Podunkville, tell them – not me.

The needs of the many have to outweigh the few. Dang it!

Besides, I was watching My Name is Earl, fer GOD’s sake.

But the other day, it finally occurred to me what was so annoying: the local News Channel was busy blowing its horn and bragging about how it would interrupt to report weather emergencies instantly to “keep YOU informed” – and, as I sat there listening, it dawned on me that after experiencing about 20 of these storms over the past 2 years, I had never actually SEEN one of these “informative reports” when the storm was hitting MY freaking house.

“Ding” – the light went on – because… THE LIGHTS GO OFF!

There we are, in each case, locking the dogs in the bathroom and wondering how long the chaos will last, whether there’s an actual twister forming, or whether I should disrobe, go outside, and wave my privates defiantly at the weather gods… with NO TV!

When the weather gets jinky, and the storm siren sounds, you (maybe) have about a minute or two before the power goes kerplunk, then it’s just you, a flashlight, your bottle of rye, and a battery powered radio. Johnny Meteorologist and his magic Storm Tracker Technology are about as much use as a Lucky Mood Ring at times like these. And the other times are simply low on my priority list… somewhere, well beneath, CSI - New York and a Simpson’s rerun.

Such paraconsistent logic might have Quesada chuckling, but it just has me wanting to kick a TV Station Program Director in his weather veined balls.

Olympic Hopefuls Outraged by Stolen Techniques

2008-05-28T10:00:00.003-05:00

“Part of the secret to impressing the judges at an Olympic competition is an element of innovation and newness to the dive,” remarked USA Diving coach John Wingfield, who wished to remain anonymous.

“What Mr. Osgood and Mr. Franzen are doing should be considered theft of a proprietary technique. It’s an approach that our team was not going to reveal to the diving world until Beijing.”

US National Team member, Hugh Showe who was hoping to compete in the 3-meter using a newly devised reverse pike, is suspicious of where Detroit net minder Chris Osgood came up with such a “similar” technique.
“The forward dive pike from a standing start is a fundamental drill that all divers practice whether they are a beginner or seasoned veteran, but the reverse with the arms flailing is a facet we had been working on in secret,” He said. “I just have to wonder how Chris Osgood was able to reproduce it without inside knowledge.”

Canadian 3-meter Plongeon Team member, Eric Sehn (who also asked to remain anonymous) echoed these sentiments, saying “Admittedly there’s something strange about the way Franzen and Osgood seem to capture the essence of some of our most important diving fundamentals.”

The Pittsburgh Penguins started a “diving” debate after Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals late Monday night in Detroit. “He’s good at it,” Pen Coach Michel Therrien said. “Malone’s intention was not to go to hit the goalie. This is not something we’re doing. He went in front of the net, and Osgood challenged him and he [executed the dive].”

Gary Roberts, who appeared to get away with a semi-sucker punch to Johan Franzen’s face with about nine minutes left in Game 2, said after reviewing film of that play he believes Franzen goes to the same diving school as Osgood.

Naturally, opinions on the issue seem to be split depending on your team allegiance.

Pens fans point to a conspiracy of 10 meter proportions, while Detroit faithful claim the controversy is “Complete cod-swaddle” and the result of Spheniscus frustration and jealousy – noting that the term “diving” is “technically not applicable” because the water their players land in is clearly frozen.

The Real Crime Against Society

2008-05-21T16:24:00.009-05:00

ORLANDO, Fla. - Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for engineering a decades-long scam that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings.

To me, the "engineering of a decades-long scam that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings" is the forgivable crime.

But, in serendipitous fashion, justice is indirectly served.

Now, if only he can be shanked quickly while in the general population. After a hearty lunch of "700 punches in the face"

25 years is a gift considering the peccant audio sewage he was directly responsible for.

Being shot... burned... and pissed on (from a dizzy height) (and not necessarily in that order) is a much more fitting punishment for this weed...

For N Stync alone, he must be considered the Dennis Rader of musical appreciation.

I hope the guards take spiked jack-boots to him!

Nonsense? Or... Adsense?

2008-05-16T16:19:00.006-05:00

The advertising collective once known as “Madison Avenue” had lately missed the proverbial boat up until the time they finally decided to key on one of the sure-fire elements for a winning ad campaign. That is... use a Viking. Let’s face it, Vikings sell.

It’s a guaranteed needle mover. For chocolate or footwear…or guns.

There are other sure-fire elements out there, but forget those. You only need one.

Chimps.

Just watch the Super Bowl ads every year… there’s at least one monkey flavored spot.

Whether it’s trunk monkeys, dancing primates or chimps in space… remember young ad squids: Monkeys are Funny… Monkeys are Money!

Cliché Away

2008-05-15T12:57:00.011-05:00

I cringed and suffered a wave of sincere disappointment and spiritual grief after game three of the Dallas/Detroit playoff series.

Not because the Stars lost, but because I heard Marty Turco utter the old chestnut, “Our backs are against the wall.”

My eyes immediately rolled back into my empty skull and I almost hit a Camo Hum-V with thermo-nuclear weapon driving close to me in the next lane. This careless use of a cliché had almost cost many human lives.

And it can’t be the first time! But it MUST be the last!!!

We’ve all gotten used to the inevitable clichés that get slung around like poop in a chimp cage during the playoffs, but I think now it may be time to try out some new material.

Here are few suggestions:

To replace “our backs are against the wall,” players could say:

“Our asses are prepping for a brick enema” (The Gen-Xers will love it.)

Or, rather than the tired “ it’s do or die” response, they could try:

“If we lose tonight it’s Brokeback Mountain for all of us.”

Here are some more options:

We’re Desperate as Housewives now.

I guess it’s time to stop eating the blowfish.

If we don’t find a restroom soon, we’re gonna need new britches.

It’s last call and we ain’t drunk yet.

Now’s the time to pull up our skatesI

Hope we can find the frickin' Immunity Idol.

We've got to "Jack Bauer" up!

This is our chance to put the crack-pipe down.

From here on, we're pretending our mothers' lives are on the line.

Our shmeckles are definitely on the cutting board right now.

They've already given us the sodium thiopental and the pancuronium; If we lose now it's the potassium chloride -- and nobody wants that.

We’re about to miss the train to Winsburgh.

It’s Sudafed time, Baby!

Hmmm…Never mind! Come to think of it, maybe the clichés are better.

Space-Based Initiative

2008-05-14T10:53:00.013-05:00

Vatican: Belief in aliens OK
The Vatican's chief astronomer says believing in aliens "doesn't contradict our faith." » 'Extraterrestrial brother'

It’s a madhouse. Rod Serling knew it and he made fun of the fact weekly. And let’s face it; Hunter S. was way righteous when he pecked out this gem:

“There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.

Who knows? If there is in fact, a heaven and a hell, all we know for sure is that hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix — a clean well lighted place full of sunshine and bromides and fast cars where almost everybody seems vaguely happy, except those who know in their hearts what is missing... And being driven slowly and quietly into the kind of terminal craziness that comes with finally understanding that the one thing you want is not there…

Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish — a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate…”

Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the '80s (1988)

God bless you pious bastards and your bullet-proof faith. You can look at the pool of blood and say “Hey, it was God’s Will” then turn around on the same day and pray for Myanmar.

It’s all jacked-up logic to a socially functional failure like me and it makes me want to roll into the fetal position & seek comfort from the sucking of my thumb.

Or maybe I should buy a gun and name it Frankie. We'd be good friends, Frankie and me - BFFs even!

Maybe we should all buy guns and turn this ball into a global Tombstone where justice favors the fastest draw and God’s Will closely follows the report of a pistol.

Or maybe we already have. Maybe Wyatt Earp is in the White House and his spirit is whispering, “You tell Iran that we’re comin’ and hell is comin' with us.”

But it'll be okay, because soon I'll have Frankie to protect me.

Upon further thought, perhaps the Papa’s nod to ET is the sanest thing we’ve heard lately. It’s possible that even the papal glitterati have sensed the truth; that if we are God’s only work, there is something terribly wrong in heaven. There’s got to be some of the Lord’s creations who are making a better show of it than us.

And ants don’t count…because ants don’t have souls do they?

We live in a world where no one argues that the Lord's biblical 6th Commandment clearly suggests a “non-killing” platform, but also where no one will blink a religious eye when the bullet hits enemy bone. Where the fat cat CEO gets free hand-outs from his government while he scorns the bums who line up at the soup kitchen.

Meanwhile, we the people, argue over who should be voted off Survivor and point fingers at mental patients.

Holey Goalie!

2008-05-08T12:26:00.002-05:00

Despite the NHL's Herculean efforts to "trick-up" the game and force-feed hockey to the baseball, football, and basketball masses; lovers of a good ol' net minder battle have been treated to some wonderful displays in both this year's playoffs and 2007's.

No matter how the league has limited the goaltender's freedom, these athletes continue to stone opponents regularly - resulting in not only low scoring games, but also several overtime nail-biters.

In Toronto on June 11th, 2008, members of the league and the players union will examine the size and configuration of existing goalie equipment. The reps include Doug Risebrough, Garth Snow, Jim Rutherford, Brett Hull for the NHL, and Marty Broduer, Rick DePietro, Ryan Miller, Dany Heatley and Michael Cammalleri for the players and goalies. This examination stems from the belief that reducing the size of goalie equipment WONT injure the goaltenders (much), but instead will imbue the forwards with more skill... or at least more of a target, and therefore, increase scoring.

Don't buy into the spin. The cockamamy band-aid fixes they have instituted so far have not solved the problem, so they are going back to the well to see if they can handicap the goalies a little more.

I'm not even going to waste time arguing whether higher scoring is going to somehow, magically turn on the "appreciation light" in the heads of American baseball, basketball or football fans. (Frankly, I think it's like trying to sell bikinis to Buddhists.)

And I'm not going to make a cheap joke about how, if every goalie in the NHL was as good as Garth Snow, there would be no need to change anything. (oops!)What I am going to point out is the conflicting expectations that are speeding head-on towards each other.

The NHL keeps saying it wants high-scoring games, but every time a goalie lets in 3 or more goals, he gets pulled like a sky-diver's rip-cord.There are more goaltenders on the unemployment lines than Detroit auto workers. All because they couldn't cover for some of the worst offenses in hockey, or because they had a GAA of over 4.0.

Sure some goalies will let in a stinker, but guess what? THEY ALL DO - even the best of them. It's nothing new. Show me one who doesn't and I'll pay him to dam up the Mississippi.
Carey Price gets shelled by a tough Philly offence and he rides the pine in game 4. Hasek loses a couple of games vs. Nashville and out he goes. Kiprusoff has a couple he'd love a do-over on and... bang - he's working the door from the end of the bench. The expectations that a goalie has to make saves like the US Coast Guard, no matter what the conditions are, have not changed. They've got to.

Here's a newsflash to the coaches (especially goalie-killer Mike Keenan) the league, the critics and the fans: If you're going to continue to effectively hobble net-minders by limiting where they can play the puck, allowing players to crash the net, making the net bigger and tying their blocker hand behind their back, then you better get your head right with higher GAAs, lower SV% and leaving a guy between the pipes after 5 or 6 goals.

You want to devalue "the goal" and turn hockey into a shinny game, go ahead. If you think that's gonna create insta-fans and convert the unbelievers, then you'd probably make Zig Ziglar seem like a chronic fatalist. And bully for you, but the truth is, it's one way or the other.

You can't have both, Mr. Heller.

Ad-gitate Well!

2008-05-06T14:01:00.008-05:00

Writing a good Creative Work Plan can be a challenge. It's tough to describe an idea before it's even thought of. But that's the task given to many Account Executives, Coordinators and Marketing Managers.

Unfortunately, some of these "professionals" have found an easy alternative. They scribble "We need an ad for [Generic Company Name Here] and hand it into the Creative Department as a serious document.

Some of these 8 1/2 x 11 piles of feces aren't as obvious at being useless. Many are generously sprinkled with pages and pages of AE drivel that means nothing, but sounds professional, like: Objective - to be the "Toothpaste/Employer/AC unit/Pickle, of choice for consumers aged 1 to 107.3."

Advertising "Creatives" can be a finicky, egocentric bunch, but even the most imaginative and well-adjusted of them have trouble using horsetwaddle like this to their advantage.

In these cases, it's probably better for everyone if the Account Puppets just print "make ad for [Client Name]" on a napkin, set a deadline, and leave the rest to the monkeys in Creative.

{Thanks to Warren Fleece for this one. His Internet reach is long indeed.}

Mes Arachides Sont Exultantes

2008-05-01T16:20:00.014-05:00

Here's a link to an ABC News story that points out the average CEO in America makes 433 times more per year than the average employee at their company.

EVEN THOUGH MANY OF THESE CEOs ARE PERFORMING POORLY!

Talk about corporate welfare!

If a CEO performs as well as Anthony Mozilo does, he should be history, baby! And without the earth-shattering severence they usually get for a job poorly done.

But if I said “history” with any conviction, I’d be forced to reference two claims by Karl Marx:

First, that he "put Hegel's dialectics back on its feet"

And second, that "the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles."

Although you’ll agree that any dialectical materialism spoken of is essentially characterized by the belief that history is the product of class struggle and obeys the general Hegelian principle of philosophy of history, (that is, the development of the thesis into its antithesis which is supported by the "Aufhebung" synthesis — which conserves the thesis and the antithesis while at the same time abolishing it) you’ll also have to admit that this contradiction explains the inherent difficulties of Hegel's thought. Boy Howdy, Ha-ha!

Clearly Hegel's dialectics aim at explaining the growth and development of human history, because he considered that truth was the product of history and passed through various moments, including the moment of error — error, or “negativity” (of which I am very familiar) is part of the development of truth.

But then again, Marx's dialectical materialism considers against Hegel's idealism, stating that history is not the product of the Spirit (Geist or also Zeitgeist — the "Spirit of the Time") Such nonsense!

Which leads us to the point where we ponder this post and the picture of the sandwich.

All I can say is... they both make about as much sense as a CEOs salary.

Optimism: Ah, that crap never works for me

2008-04-21T09:39:00.006-05:00

There's nothing more of a physical beat-down than being surrounded by the minions of "mind over matter"

Especially in Sales Departments.

Nothing makes me want to stick my torso in a tree-shredder more than talking to positive thinkers – people so deluded that they think the world pivots on THEIR mental energy.
"You have to believe you're going to succeed..." they'll drivel on.
"You have to remove negative thoughts from your world." - Yeah... like the power of your Pollyanna outlook is going to stop a psycho's bullet from speeding towards your optimistic brainstem, or levitate your leased BMW as it caroms off a busy overpass.

Twaddle.

There are simply too many people "thinking positively" in this world for all those "dreams" to come true. Sooner or later, your positive thinking is going to run aground on the Panglossian hallucinations of another hyper-visualizing bozo...

In every race there’s only one winner.

But dream on, Zig Ziglar. Make your lemonade! Because while you're not looking, some virulent bastard is pissing in it just for yuks. That's life. Buy lots of Asprin.

What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger... it only delays the inevitable.

Graveyards are full of rotting, rose-colored specs.

And don't give me that positive perpetuation blather:

"If you fail, it's because you secretly wanted to fail."
or
"The person who won just obviously wanted it more."

Sure... and YOU can't see the Celestial Teapot because it doesn't WANT you to see it.

Die Tony Robbins!

Shred… or You’re Dead.

2008-04-18T10:39:00.005-05:00

Report: NYC Freedom Tower plans found in trash

A homeless man has come forward with two sets of confidential ground zero blueprints that he says were dumped in a Lower Manhattan trash can.

The man brought the Freedom Tower plans to the New York Post, which says the 150-page schematic is marked: "Secure Document — Confidential

The documents are dated Oct. 5, 2007. They contain plans for each floor, the thickness of the concrete-core wall, and the location of air ducts, elevators, electrical systems and support columns.
The agency that owns the World Trade Center site, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, calls it a serious security lapse.

Meanwhile, the “Authorities”… after confiscating the blueprints, told the homeless man to “Beat it!” and “Get a job…”

Who knew some poor architect shmo was going to become homeless himself because he spilled coffee on the first round of designs? I mean, it was probably the version that had no elevators… so he tossed it like a bad poem. A natural act, if you ask me. (and you didn’t)

Man, those homeless boogers are like little King Rat clones. They can find francs in feces.

One day a hobo might just scrounge up Jimmy Hoffa’s ass.

But you know it’s getting bad when you can’t just throw shit in the garbage anymore.

Are we going to have to start saving everything…just in case? Can we flush?

You can’t throw away junk mail because someone might steal your identity
You can’t toss dead batteries cuz it’ll screw the environment
And you can’t dump Ryan Seacrest in a trash compactor because it interferes with his "Human Rights” - Hah! What about my "human right" to dispose of crap I don't want?

Will Oscar the Grouch find Oppenheimer’s lost notes? …or Corey Haim’s career?

Think about that the next time you, "just for fun", draw a diagram of how you will slaughter everyone at the DMV with a sharp hanger and a can of Lysol. Make sure you shred it when you're done!

...That's what I did.

Maybe we should send some bums to Iraq to see if they can uncover those pesky WMDs!

Large Reptile Coming Out of His Shell

2008-04-17T09:31:00.005-05:00

There have been rumors for years of a mythical creature living deep in the waters of a northern Vietnam lake. Some in a village west of Hanoi claimed to be blessed by catching a glimpse of its concave shell as it crested above the surface of their lake.

A national legend tells of a giant golden turtle that bestowed upon the Vietnamese people a magic sword and victory over Chinese invaders in the 16th century.

Whether that sacred turtle has materialized in the 21st century will be a matter of cultural debate among the Vietnamese.

"This is one of those mythical species that people always talked about but no one ever saw," said Geoff Hall, zoo general curator.”

Being mistaken for a mythical aquatic creature is bad enough, but when you find out that Kilmer is really starring in an X-rated version of Tombstone, You get an idea of how much “Iceman” has melted.

In the upcoming nudie musical, entitled TombsBone, Kilmer will effectively reprise his roll in the original film as he assumes the roll of "Dong" Holiday, a swaggering cowboy with a penchant for laudanum and the ladies.

"We've done our best to stay historically accurate." said the film's director, Seymour Butts.

Veteran adult film star Ron Jeremy will play nemesis Ike Clanton, while Jenna Jameson will play Wyatt.

"My name is Elbow... And I'm a Snope-Fiend"

2008-04-16T13:41:00.004-05:00

I love it when…especially down here in Texas, some seemingly normal WASP will blurt out Republican propaganda and try to pass it off as blessed fact.
Generally these blatherings that emerge from their yaps make about as much sense as Farrah Fawcett on an ether binge.
But they say it with enough conviction that, to the unsuspecting ear, it seems credible.

Such is the wheelhouse of strength with Conservatives; peddling dubious facts in small snippets that SOUND like they “could” be true.

This is why I truly thank GOD for http://www.snopes.com/. On several occasions, I have been presented with these bizarre sounding assertions like: “Democrats are statistically more likely to kill puppies”

Or, “John Kerry massacred the San Diego Padres with an Iraqi bayonet”

Most of the time when you hear something like this -- if you’re not a Kool-Aid drinking conservative -- you lift an eyebrow and say, “Really? I didn’t know that.”

That is, mind you, if you don’t already know it’s pure bunk, or if you don’t have a computer and/or reference book close at hand.

Then you usually sit there perplexed and think to yourself, “That doesn’t sound right… how can that be?”

8 times out of 10, if you rush to a computer and enter the claim into Snopes.com, you’ll discover the assertion is either false or at least heavily embellished and largely inaccurate.

The same thing happened to me the other night. I was attending an evening class when, for no relevant reason, the subject of military deaths came up.
One of these grinning good ol’ boys says, “Well actually, I read that military deaths were higher during the Clinton Administration than the Bush administration.” “Hyup,” he guffawed, “it’s true.”

The whole class kinda looked at him and muttered “rrreally?” under our breaths.

No one there could be sure. But it added up like snake with a broken calculator.

So everyone just let it go.
I mean, how could George W’s six years of Iraqi and Afghani conflict eclipse those of Clinton’s admin?

Was there a Malaria outbreak at the Pentagon in the 90s? Sheeit! Musta missed that!

So the next time I got in front of the computer, I immediately queried the great and powerful Snope.

Sure enough, the story was steaming malarkey, pure baloney: http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/deaths.asp

Just like the viral e-mails that portray:

Andy Rooney as a gun-toting, lunkhead: [http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney4.asp ]
George Carlin as a closet Republican: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/carlin.asp
Barak Obama as a Muslim: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/muslim.asp
John Kerry as undeserving of his service medals: http://www.snopes.com/politics/kerry/service.asp
Or Donald Trump as a generous benefactor to the average Joe: http://www.snopes.com/luck/trumptip.asp & http://www.snopes.com/luck/trump.asp

All points rubbish and all points largely accepted as truth by dullards and GOP faithful.

It’s a wonderful world that twirls around by the forces of the cosmos and, evidently, the sheer force of flying, bubbling BS.

Still, it’s not to say that Democrats never lie or start dirty falsehoods on the Net. It’s just that, for some reason, I don’t seem to run into it as much… and when I rarely do, everyone, including myself, laughs and points at them... then kicks them in the groin, so they’ll know better next time.

Home POPEner

2008-04-14T14:43:00.004-05:00

By JEFF ISRAELY/ROME AND DAVID VAN BIEMA/NEW YORK
Pope Benedict XVI's trip this week to the United States will include high-profile visits to the White House, United Nations and Ground Zero. But no matter what political issues or media angles may be buzzing before take-off, the Vatican tends to stress the pastoral aspect of any papal journey. The six-day itinerary is above all stacked with church services, baseball stadium masses and Catholic institutional encounters to allow the pontiff to tend to his flock, and to the priests and bishops who do the ministering when he's back in Rome.
The American visit, however, poses an unprecedented pastoral challenge for the 80-year-old pontiff. Benedict's is the first papal trip to the United States since the priest sex abuse crisis erupted in 2001. It is a controversy that has left much of the American laity bitterly disillusioned with their Church's leadership. For many of the 67 million American Catholics, how the Pope confronts the lingering fallout from the pedophilia scandal may largely determine the success of this visit.

I once openly mocked the Pope. Right there in Vatican City.

About 30 minutes before the freshly deified German appeared to his usual Wednesday throng of worshippers in front of the Basilica, it was raining harder than a probability equation. Bold and agnostic, I cheekily commented that if this Pope really had the “ear of the Almighty”, he’d clear up the weather a little.

As the Pope-Mobile entered the gates… the rain stopped. The clouds did indeed part. And the sun came out. Benedict then spent the next hour blessing the masses… dryly… in more ways than one.

Since then, the Pope’s secret shadow police have kept me on the lam, but I confuse them by crisscrossing my movements with those of Sinead O’Connor. When all is said and done, she’s the one they really want hung on the mantle.

But there is now a small (very small, but all the same, REAL) inkling in me that I may have secured a one-room efficiency overlooking the malevolent flaming sepulchers near the City of Dis.

Ah well, that train has left damnation station already.

Anyway, I have trouble being really mad at myself for mocking the high mucky-muck of a religion that is so troubled, it seriously challenges some state penitentiaries for most number of child molesters.

A religious dogma that discourages birth control in countries where the child mortality rate is higher than Ziggy Marley at a Denver Bong Convention, is scarcely one that I can call responsible or admirable.

Sure, one bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch, girl – but you gotta raise an eyebrow to a religion that spends more time worrying about Kevin Smith films than it does worrying about say… oh, I don’t know… maybe, SCREENING THEIR PRIESTS FOR SIGNS PERVERSE SEXUALITY?

Maybe it’s like the Roach Rule in Texas; If you see one in the kitchen, there’s probably a thousand in the walls. But I’d like to think that the Pope and the majority of Catholics are good folks.

What I really wonder about is; how exactly the good Pontiff is going to “address” this baleful issue. “Mistakes were made” (??) … “Our intelligence was faulty” (???) “It was Clinton’s fault” (????)

Oh sure, it works for the GOP, but I have a feeling it won’t quite fly here.

At least they’re not simply avoiding the issue. And let’s face it the catechized masses WANT to believe there’s a simple answer to this foul situation; like turning on the AC when it gets too hot – or watering the plants a bit less. So even if he comes out here and mildly tips his mitre to the problem, it will probably calm most of his loyal followers.

Think about it, if the insidious threat of sexually deranged padres doesn’t compel you to consider another religion, what else will? Radioactive Pews? Vampire Nuns?

You gotta be impressed with the staunch blindness of the commitment, though.

And after all, it’s not like they’re holing-up in compounds and forcing underage girls to all marry the same man.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

2008-04-09T16:22:00.007-05:00

Probably from the same guys who invented hard liquor night at the Football games, we now have an even better idea:

Florida lawmakers have passed a "take your guns to work" law

"Most Florida residents would be allowed to take guns to work under a measure passed by Florida lawmakers on Wednesday.
The bill, allowing workers to keep guns in their cars for self-protection, was approved by the Florida Senate by a vote of 26-13. It now goes to Republican Gov. Charlie Crist to sign into law.
Backed by the National Rifle Association and some labor unions, the so-called "take-your-guns-to-work" measure would prohibit business owners from banning guns kept locked in motor vehicles on their private property.
The measure applies to employees, customers and those invited to the business establishment as long as they have a permit to carry the weapon..."
[Story By: Michael Peltier]

That whoremonger in accounting better watch his filthy gob when he comes by my office now, because I'm running out of Xanax, and Papa's got Mr. McShooty close at hand.

There's nothing that gives me the courage to hit the day quite like the smoothness of a semi-automatic beneath my trembling fingertips.

Up until now, I've only been able to cradle it in my lap at the dinner table. Sure it keeps the kids in line, but its real use would flower to new levels in the workplace.
This could bring a whole new meaning to the phrase "Leveraged Corporate Takover"

Grab your rifles, boys! We're expanding!

Imagine ruling your desk area with the type of impugnity that only lions know... or knew before God invented the gun.

Mmmm, the fine superiority and confidence that only a firearm can bring, sprinkled generously into the high-pressure abbatoirs of Corporate America. This is what the founding fathers fought for baby.

And I don't wanna hear any of you "Liberal" snivellers caterwalling when a few workers cross the line and decide to settle things the Christian way. It's all part of the greater good and the righteous quest for power before logic.

Dia-Beaten

2008-04-09T10:05:00.009-05:00

"Pfizer Inc and Nektar Therapeutics said on Wednesday clinical trials of the inhaled insulin Exubera found increased cases of lung cancer, leading Nektar to end talks with potential partners to market the product.
Nektar shares tumbled 24 percent in early trading, while shares of MannKind Corp, which has been developing its own inhaled insulin, plummeted more than 56 percent. Pfizer was little changed at $21.00.
Over the course of the clinical trials, Pfizer said six of the 4,740 Exubera-treated patients versus one of the 4,292 patients not treated with Exubera developed lung cancer. One lung cancer case was also found after Exubera reached the market.
Pfizer updated the Exubera labeling to include a warning with safety information about lung cancer cases found in patients who used Exubera, which U.S. regulators approved in January 2006.
The warning states all patients who developed lung cancer had a prior history of cigarette smoking, and that there were too few cases to determine whether the development of lung cancer is related to Exubera use.
Pfizer said in October it would stop marketing Exubera, ending its involvement with a product once thought to have the potential to become a $2 billion-a-year blockbuster with the promise of helping diabetics avoid needle sticks. Instead, sales were negligible." (It's their marketing department that was negligible, I'd say)

---

So now the 10-point toss-up question is: Why did Pfizer really pull this drug?

Was it because of what they originally asserted - the lack of sales? Or because the thing causes lung cancer? (A point you can't conclusively determine from the above study, by the way). I mean, the warning does state that "ALL patients who developed lung cancer had a prior history of cigarette smoking."

This story at least confirms that, like a Transformer, there's more to this than meets the eye.

A point that invokes no great surprise when you consider it involves big drug companies. Personally, I call BS on multi-levels.

Over-Ruled!

2008-04-04T15:47:00.018-05:00

Recently you may have heard about the growing push by law enforcement and other fascist swine to ban the use of cell phones while driving.

As usual, the slippery sloper's team has chosen to run the famed “Statute of No-Liberty” play.

So much for our brave troops fighting for our “freedom” – more like selective freedom, Jingo-boy.

Hey, no one is asking for anarchy here, just the right to enjoy the conveniences that the new technology brings us cavemen.

Evidently that’s no good for the micro-managers of the world. The sanctimonious losers, who supposedly have no use for making a phone call from the road, have just gotta muck with the beauty of the invention.

Fuck it! Let’s just abolish the whole cell phone industry.... surely the economic advantages of being able to conduct business while in transit is far outweighed by danger caused by the multitude of house-fraus who will gab to their hairdressers on the way to their kid’s soccer practice and inadvertently cut a few people off.

Let’s face it; this is a nation of people who love to tell each other how to live their blessed lives.

How to raise their kids, how to watch TV and, best of all, how to drive.

It’s in our DNA – we are genetically programmed driving instructors. We all think our own driving feces doesn’t smell, and we’re convinced everyone else on the road is a mud-headed nincompoop.

Oh, how the hypocrisy reigns! Even now I can hear all the deluded honk-happy halfwits parroting “I’m an excellent driver” like Raymond Babbitt in an Asperger hissy-fit.

Bull-butter! You know full screamin’ well that you’ve cut people off more people than Rush Limbaugh, and tailgated and sped your way onto the shit lists of a thousand other drivers.

But never-mind all that rubbish – ours is not to point the finger at driving “disorderlys’-

What I want to know is; when the hell will the Cell Phone Muslims stop their Shiite?

At what level of authoritarianism does this controlloid crusade end?

If everyone criticized their own gumball rallies half as zealously as they do everyone else’s, we’d all be better off… and Asians would have a much better reputation. (j-k)

Proposed Regulations

Believing that cell phones lead to a great number of accidents, some politicians have proposed laws to ban cell phone use while driving. The law would prohibit any and all cell phone use by the driver of any vehicle in the state. Other proposed laws would not fully ban cell phone use in vehicles, but would require drivers pull to the side of the road to use the cell phone. Still other proposals would allow cell phone use with a headset or other hands-free device.

Who are the animals that come up with this tripe anyway – lost vestiges of the Khmer-Rouge?

Here’s a newsflash…

Cell Phones Aren't the Only Things That Lead to Accidents, Hitler:

The University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center released a study of distractions leading to traffic accidents.[1]

The top four distractions that resulted in accidents, according to this study, are:

Outside Objects, Persons or Events: 29.4% (of accidents surveyed)
Adjusting the Radio, Cassette, or CD Player: 11.4%
Distractions Caused by Other Occupants in the Vehicle: 10.9%
Moving Objects in the vehicle: 4.3%
Eating/Drinking in the Car: 1.7%
Using/Dialing a Cell Phone: 1.5%
Climate Control Adjustments: 1.2%
Smoking-related distractions: 1.2%

So, let’s outlaw radios, CD players and dashboard bobble-heads! Let’s make it a crime to eat Jumbo Jacks, Whoppers and Big Macs! Let’s castigate the lung-bangers who smoke in cars and best of all... LET’S BAN PASSENGERS! Fuck the HOV lanes… we’re saving lives man!

How's THAT for a slippery slope, you rule-mongering greaseballs?

Here’s a humble suggestion, let’s mind our own fucking business!

If some meat-bag gets into an accident while on a cell-phone, then make it their fault – the same way it’s done with rear-ending. Outlawing the use of technology in a place where it provides the most benefit to business and communication is a rear-ending of another type entirely – And that, my friends, is illegal in more than a couple of states already.

Baseball fans should be beaten to death with the bats they worship

2008-04-01T18:18:00.003-05:00

'Alex Rodriguez makes more this year than his hometown Florida Marlins. Boosted by his new deal with the New York Yankees, A-Rod tops the major league baseball salary list at $28 million, according to a study of contract terms by The Associated Press. The 33 players on the Marlins' opening-day roster and disabled list total $21.8 million.'

"The Marlins? It's amazing," A-Fraud said. "And they still seem to find a way to be very competitive. They have a great pool of talent; they made some unbelievable trades, so they have great personnel people. To win two championships in 11 years, that's really admirable, and I'm very proud of that organization, being from Miami."

ARE WE OUT OF OUR HUMAN MINDS?!?!

This is the reason why civilization should be bloodily exterminated by aliens, peckish tigers, starving crocodiles, or some hideous flesh-eating virus.

Look, this is an old argument, but are we really going to continue to sit around and allow one man, who plays a GAME, to make that kind of money??

Does this "A-hole" save human lives? - NO!
Does he make decisions that protect the world? - NO!

My GOD...He’s the social equivalent of an interpretive dancer!

And yet we, as a society, continue stand around like homeless dullards while other rich, fat-heads pay him staggering gobs of cash that would provide wonderful lives to any 250 poor souls.

Can anyone who goes to a baseball game and perpetuates this lunacy ever utter a single complaint about how much money goes towards Cancer Research, Humanitarian Aid, Religion, Education or even Taxes?

Fans of all sports should be horse-whipped and stabbed with pencils for allowing this “business” to get so out of hand.

Jesus, Mary & Joseph! The leader of the free world doesn’t pull down that kind of Jake. Einstein didn't make that kind of money!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?

FrEAkin HeLL! Someday some shmo will actually cure Cancer and save millions of lives… and I'll wager he or she won't even make a 50th of what A-Fraud makes.

Talk about spending money on the fatuous! Hey, let’s give all the money to kittens because they’re so cute! Or why don’t we pay all the toilet cleaners in the world 50 million a year for scrubbing commodes? At least that has real world value.

Why not? I want clean toilets! Don’t you? Have you seen the state of the nation's toilets lately? They're fucking evil, man.

Our stupidity is already monumental – let’s go for the next level – then beg for death.

Tibet you’re glad you don't live in Tibet.

2008-03-22T13:08:00.009-05:00

China issued a "Most Wanted" list of 21 rioters Friday — shown in grainy photos waving knives and fighting during last week's violence over Chinese rule in Tibet. Thousands of troops continued to push into western China to contain unrest.

U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave support to the Tibetan cause on a visit to the Dalai Lama, calling China's crackdown "a challenge to the conscience of the world."
She dismissed China's claim that the Dalai Lama was behind the violence in Lhasa, the Tibetan capital, as making "no sense."

Man, you gotta love China! A No-BS, eat your cold rice and shut the hell up, Six Flags Over Tyranny Theme Park.

And even though it SEEMS like a very oppressive society, it IS interesting to note that they regularly offer the average native Joe (or should I say average native "Cho") several life options.

For instance:

Fall in line or die
Love the government or die
Work yourself to death or die
Enjoy rice or die

Ahh Communism! Sucks don’t it? But wait... Can a political system that gives certain people more power and privileges than others truly be called a "Communist" society?

Or is it simply a dictatorship with a more jazzy title?

Which is not to say things would be all tickety-boo if they were in a “purer” form of Commie-ness, but at least when you looked at the violence in the place, you could say, "Well, wasn't Karl Marx a gigantic putz! What were they thinkin'?"

As it stands, you cant figure out if the problem lies in the system, or the venal corruption of one.

If we could only consult Chairman Mao... What do you think he would say?

Sure, first he'd probably order a large Beef and Broccoli to go, (I mean, have you seen pictures of that guy? He had more Chins than his own roladex) But what then? Would he exile the Lama? Order mass executions? Or reorganize his government?

Would he call a man who stands for peace "an evil sprit with the face of a man and the heart of a beast?"

Would he believe in the integrity of an individual who says,"If things become out of control, then my only option is to resign... We must build good relations with the Chinese, We should not develop anti-Chinese feelings. We must live together side by side?"

Or would he still profess that the Party was engaged in "...a fierce battle of blood and fire..." and brand the Lama as "...a jackal in Buddhist monk robes?"

Hard to say, seeing as the old porker is now taking a dirt-nap and recalling that, when he was alive, he had precious little sympathy for the well-being of his own people.

Still, you'd like to believe that at least someone in that country still has the ability to think clearly.

Even though apparently, the constant starch diet clearly dulls the senses and drives them to accept the patently absurd.

Here's an idea - appoint a house cat to the position of Chairman... it would probably do a better job.

G-dub Rejects Existence of Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Oncoming Recession

2008-02-28T12:51:00.007-06:00

By TERRENCE C. HUNT, APP White House Norespondent

President Bush, self-anointed economical geenyus, said Thursday the country is not recession-bound and rejected, for now, any additional stimulus efforts.

"We acted robustly," he drooled and said.

"We'll see the effects of this pro-growth package," Bush told reporters at a White House news conference, acknowledging that some lawmakers already are talking about a second stimulus package. "Why don't we let stimulus package 1, which seemed like a good idea at the time, have a chance to kick in?"

Bush's [valium-induced?] view of the economy was rosier than that of several economists, who say the country is nearing a recession or may already be in one.

"I'm concerned about the economy," he said. "I don't think we're headed to no recession…"

"But in a few months I’m Audi 5000, so why should I give a rat’s ass? Let McClain or Osama figure it out. By the time the “S” hits the air conditioner; I’ll be watchin’ baseball and choking on goobers!"

Nader is a Republican-paid Dem-hobbler

2008-02-24T14:29:00.012-06:00

Nader announces new bid for White House

This arrogant bastard has now completely blown his cover and exposed himself as a closet Republican sympathizer.

"Not so," you say?

Rubbish!

Ralph Nader is a very smart man. So to believe that he is running for the Presidency for the good of the American voter, and not to simply impede Democratic momentum, is to also accept that he genuinely believes 2 fully ridiculous things.

1.) That he can actually win the US Presidency within the Electoral College system.

2.) That he is not pulling his support from the Democratic Party any more than he is from the Republican Party.

Both of these are absurd assertations.

Running in support of "full Medicare for all, or cracking down on Pentagon waste and a bloated military budget" that he blames on "corporate lobbyists" is as far from a Republican POV as Rosie O'Donnell is from being sexy.

And let's face it, Nader knows full-bloody-well that he has about as much chance of winning the 2008 election as he does of turning into a crab.

No, folks - Nader can only attribute this late election entry to fear of a Democratic victory.

Somewhere, in back rooms, GOP faithful have crossed Nader's greasy palm and mobilized his latent Republican sentiments.

Nothing else makes any reasonable sense.

And when reason leaves people like Ralph Nader... we're all fucking doomed.

But cheer up, my lenient leftist lot. If Nader can succeed in drawing enough idle-minded Dems to give the edge to McCain, the Dems will unknowingly dodge an armor-piercing slug to the brain-pan.

There's no graceful way to clean up the mess G-dub and his band of war-mongering fascists have brewed up. So why not let the dorks who got us into it, try to get us out? Let them be left holding the steaming bag of dookie.

The next presidential term is a Kobayashi Maru - for either Obama or Clinton.

By 2012 Obama will be primed and ready for a historically successful presidency.

For now, do Barack and Hillary a favor, vote McCain and save them both from this diabolical political trap... after all, Nader's doing his part.

A GREAT AND NOBLE CAUSE

2008-02-15T12:26:00.002-06:00

http://www.proposition317.com/stpats.html

Nuff said!

An Irishman catches a Leprachaun.

"Ye owe me 3 wishes, Wee one!" says the Irishman.

"Alright, alright, ye shall have your 3 wishes," replies the Leprachaun.

"First, I want ye to give me a glass of whiskey that never runs dry," starts the man.

The elf conjures the glass full of whiskey and asks "Alright, now what's your next wish??

"Wait just minute there, Leprachaun. I don't trust ye. Let me test it first."

He guzzles down the whiskey... and the glass magically fills up again.

He tries it again and once more the glass refills itself.

"Why that's amazing!! Truly grand!" smiles the Irishman.

"Yes, yes" replies the now impatient Leprachaun, "What are your other wishes?"

"Well..." ponders the Irishman, "I think I'll take two more of these!"

Swedish university to study belching cows

2008-01-23T14:02:00.000-06:00

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A Swedish university has received $590,000 in research funds to measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch. About 20 cows will participate in the project run by the Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences in Uppsala, about 40 miles north of Stockholm, officials said Monday.

Quickly, get this video to Stockholm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx-ULCvUEEc

…they may need it for the research!

This is the kind of thing that gives the world’s literati a fried egg facial. Republicans eat this shit up and indict “Government” en masse for fatuous excess.

And why shouldn’t they? Even the most Liberal of us has to admit this is something out of a Monty Python Sketch. The Bolivian flake purity of its silliness is self-evident.

But let us just briefly consider the actual size of the $590,000 expenditure when compared with the 2005 U.S. military budget which was larger than that of the next 168 biggest spenders combined, and over eight times larger than the official military budget of China.

“But there are numerous projects like the absurd Cow-Burp fiasco,” you say?

Very well - here then, is a scientific graphic comparison of the Cow Belching study by the blondes from Sven-Land... versus a single US military project (of which there are also many):
-----------------------------------------------------------
San Antonio class amphibious transport dock: $1.4 Billion Bones.
vs.
When cows belch Greenhouse gas release survey: $590,000 Smackeroos.

This week on America's Top Model

2008-01-22T10:18:00.000-06:00

After eliminating a Monogram Injection Molded, Phantom II F-4E and advancing to the finals, these two beauties go tet-a-tet to see who will earn the title of America's Top Model.

At stake: A modelling contract worth $10.95... and a 6 Pack of E1013 1Oz MODEL & HOBBY CEMENT. Hint: Watch for a special appearance by celebrity judge Joe Nerdlinger, Master-Modeller and Anime Evolution 2006 Gundam Model Building Contest Champion.

Don't miss it!

Coming Soon: Rambo 4: GRAMPO

2008-01-07T15:08:00.000-06:00

The part I really like about this premise is the way they'll explain how the old grizzled, war -torn Viet-Nam killing machine took the time to leave the jungle and have a face lift.

In between salvos, he evidently was able to nip out for a botox injection and a chin tuck.

Sweet! Perhaps his now freakishly stretched face can be attributed to blocking a napalm attack with his face while pinned down near the pu-nam river in 1998...

Much the same way he blocked opponents punches in Rocky 1... 2, ah... 3... and... oh yes, 4. I'll spare you the comic spoilers of how he impales four enemies on the end of his walker, (24 minutes into the film). PS - he uses the machete to cut his corns. What can you say? He's tough to the end.

Answer to Age-Old Stumper Revealed!

2007-12-06T11:39:00.025-06:00

Question: Which came first? The Chicken or the Egg?

Answer: The Chegg.

Take that, you fancy-shmancy Scientists!

Flawed Logic: A Tradition Since 0001

2007-12-05T14:22:00.003-06:00

“The Catholic League are/(is?) calling for a boycott on Nicole Kidman’s new film ‘The Golden Compass.’ The political activists believe that film will teach children atheism. The movie is based on books by atheist author Phillip Pullman.
‘The Golden Compass’ is based on ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy which is believed to be about a girl on a mission to kill God. The Catholic League believes the film will prompt

children to read the books.”

I can remember as a small child, especially around Christmas time, seeing Mom standing by the (real) fully decorated Christmas tree, waiving her buck knife around and cursing about the local Pastor, while she waited for the Turkey to dry out sufficiently to serve it to us and the cats. The cats were smarter and mostly snubbed the offering, but as we ate, sometimes I, my absent-minded sister, or a foolish guest would inquire as to why there was no “grace” was said before the meal.

My mother, being a strong woman – when questioned – would, after calmly babbling insults in Ukrainian, softly threaten to burn us with her cigar just to see if “This God of ours” would save us. Even though we believed in a higher power, none of us had the guts to test the theory. But our belief endured in the small, hidden places of our damaged psyches.

Now, when faced with things that are religiously nihilistic, I simply smile and rub my lucky Jesus Watch which, confidentially, tells me more than just the time… (Oh yes… it tells me lots of junk, much in an archaic form of Swati, but that’s not for you to judge, so shut your gum-hole) and I just go along my altruistic way.

On my way to work, where I poke burn victims and drink vodka for a living, I heard an uplifting news story about a well-adjusted man who was driving around in a truck with pictures of mutilated fetuses all over it.
http://www.macon.com/149/story/198098.html

His travels often took him past grade schools… not sure why, but it was probably just in the same location as his dry cleaner or something… anyway, the story said that he was found to be acting within the law, and cleared of public disturbance charges. Good for him! Them thar Grade Schoolers will think twice now before they go getting an abortion, I’ll tell you what!

Now if’n that truck hadda had pitchers of nekid ladies on there, the kind like God made, but never wants us to see… then I think they shoulda threwn him into the Supermax – Cuz that’s just plain disgusting! Just like when they arrested that Einstein who was playing porns on his in-car DVD system.

If children go around reading stuff, it could make them evil - And we can't have little girls going around trying to kill GOD!! I mean, what if they were to succeed? It would be horrible, right?.

Or... they could just do what I did and take it all with a grain of salt… which was invented, by the way, by GOD, in Gomorrah… back near the beginnin’ of time... a few hundred years ago.

I need another Adville

2007-12-03T11:11:00.015-06:00

Being in an Advertising Creative Department can be the best job in the world. It can also be as fun as a urethra swab with a steak knife . Outside of your department, you are surrounded by hoards of white collar piss-ants who only have the talent to tell you what they DON"T like. Ask them what they do want, and they become spit-dribbling worms.

High School Mucus Spill

2007-12-03T09:44:00.002-06:00

I can rant-on (to myself) about all kinds of crap that gets my huge proboscis out of joint, but of all the issues I rage against, this one is the most horrendously dangerous.

On a recent flight home to Dallas, I was forced to sit in front of 9 televisions that were all playing High School Musical. Now I’ve witnessed some gay shit in my day, but this one takes the 18-layer cake. Even with the sound off I felt the constant urge to vomit. (and it had NOTHING to do with turbulence)

Excruciating. This “Movie” – if you can call it that – was about as entertaining as punching yourself in the face for 2 hours.

What hideous slop. Boppy little clean-teethed megalomaniacs striking what must have been cocaine induced Cats poses, and spasmodically spreading their jazz hands in endless triumph of their type A genetics and perky Up-With-People delusional psychosis.

Is it wrong that I wanted to take a flame-thrower to the whole bubbly rabble?

“Oooh high school is sooo fun, let’s dance around and sing and wear stupid hats and… Awwww my girlfriend is mad at me…. But it’s okay… it was just a misunderstanding… we’re all friends in the end… let’s go swimming and dance and sing again.”

This Hollywood bowel movement makes Footloose: The Musical look like Schindler’s List.

Listen, we can all get a little too caught up in looking cool sometimes, but this is simply the antithesis of the word. The fact that this trough of teen puke was at the top of the charts for anytime at all is proof that some humans need to be clubbed like baby-seals.

Christians worry about Satan roaming the earth bringing on the end of mankind as we know it. BULLSHIT! The real evil stands before us: Zac Efron.

Whoever had anything to do with this de-evolutionary pile of cockcheese should kill themselves… slowly.

GOD is great... shame about his followers

2007-11-30T16:39:00.001-06:00

It's starting to seem to me that religion has nothing to do with believing in GOD. It does, however, seem to be the last refuge for weak-willed Moonies who fear what they don't understand. A self-perpetuating haven for Hippocrates, racists and sociopaths. Most pious people act like sad, deluded weasels who point fingers to the sky and cringe like frightened Australopithecus whenever the thunder claps or the ground rumbles.

They blame acts of nature on gay people, they credit football victories to Jesus, they justify killing in the name of ancient virgins, and they all think everyone else, except their own, are the devils pundits.

These delusions of their own importance seem to come from their belief that God likes them better. That they are somehow entitled to special treatment. That their sins will be forgiven, but everyone else's will not. The truth is, they want you to believe what they believe, because they're scared shitless of any other possibilities.

Oral Roberts says God will "take him home" if he doesn't raise an oil tanker full of money and thousands of dullards start writing checks. HILARIOUS!

The most amusing is when these pukes start uttering tripe like: "God hates (blank)" or "Jesus told me (whatever)" -

If there's one thing in this crazy world that I'm sure of, and there ain't much, it's that these crazy bastards have NO EARTHLY IDEA what God REALLY thinks. And if you think they do, you must have a closed head injury... or you should seriously consider having a bored dockworker kick you in the throat until you wise-up.

Try to reason with religious fanatics by explaining that hurricanes are caused by weather fronts, or that a grilled cheese sandwich doesn't really have the face of Jesus on it, and you only prove to them you're an evil SOB.

Hey you pigeons! You keep sending your money to Pat Robertson and the rest of those shysters - I'm sure they all need a new hot-tub! Crowd into your churches and tremble. But for the love of God, leave the normal people alone.

Stemocracy NOW!

2007-11-30T10:43:00.000-06:00

I was impressed with this article (Below) and therefore, I am - albeit without permission - posting it here. I hope Mr. Kinsley does not mind.

Why Science Can't Save the GOP
By Michael Kinsley

No one is happier than I am about the latest development in stem-cell research. Scientists in Japan and Wisconsin have independently figured out how to turn ordinary human skin cells into something like pluripotent stem cells. These are the cells that have caused so much excitement in recent years because they are like a biological gift certificate that can be turned into other kinds of cells as needed. These cells have also produced much controversy because they are derived from human embryos. I have the disease — Parkinson's — for which stem cells hold the most immediate promise. The hope is that they can be turned into the type of brain cells that produce dopamine, the missing ingredient in Parkinson's patients.
The stem-cell announcement also brought happiness to many politicians, especially Republicans. It filled them with the hope that the whole messy issue could go away. If stem cells, or something like them, can be obtained without the use of embryos, that eliminates the supposed ethical problem that led President George W. Bush to ban almost all federal financing of embryonic-stem-cell research in 2001. The result has been a severe reduction in embryonic-stem-cell research. The issue has been agony for many Republicans, torn between the majority of voters, eager for the benefits of this scientific advance, and the small but intense minority who believe that a clump of a few dozen cells floating in a Petri dish has the same human rights as you or I.
But any Republicans who think the stem-cell breakthrough gets them off the hook are going to end up very unhappy. This issue will not go away.
First, even the scientists who achieved the latest success believe strongly that embryonic-stem-cell research should continue. No one knows for sure whether the new method of producing pluripotent cells will pan out or where the next big developments will come from. We are still many thresholds away from anything that can be of practical value to me and others. Scientifically, it makes no sense to abandon any promising avenue just because another has opened up.
Second, even if this were a true turning point in stem-cell research, people like me are not going to quickly forget those six lost years. I am 56. Last year I had a kind of brain surgery that dramatically reduces the symptoms of Parkinson's. It received government approval only five years ago. Every year that goes by, science opens new doors, and every year, as you get older and your symptoms perhaps get worse, doors get shut. Six years of delay in a field moving as fast as stem-cell research means a lot of people for whom doors may not open until it is time for them to shut.
Third, although the political dilemma that stem cells pose for politicians is real enough, the moral dilemma is not and never was. The embryos used in stem-cell research come from fertility clinics, which otherwise would discard them. This has been a powerful argument in favor of such research. Why let these embryos go to waste? But a more important point is, What about fertility clinics themselves? In vitro fertilization ("test-tube babies") involves the purposeful creation of multiple embryos, knowing and intending that most of them either will die after implantation in the womb or, if not implanted, will be discarded or frozen indefinitely. Even if all embryonic-stem-cell research stopped tomorrow, this far larger mass slaughter of embryos would continue. There is no political effort to stop it. Bush even praised in vitro fertilization in his 2001 speech about the horrors of stem-cell research. In vitro has become too popular for politicians to take on. But their failure to do so makes a mockery of their alleged agony over embryonic stem cells.
Finally, the position a politician takes on an issue tells you something about his or her character, values and intellect. And that understanding doesn't disappear even if the issue itself does. Over the past six years, Bush and most Republicans in Congress have done their best to stop medical research that could cure many diseases, including one that I have. They claimed that morality and ethics required no less, yet they demonstrated by their indifference toward in vitro fertilization that they couldn't possibly be serious about this. Now they hope that science will spring them from the trap they walked into with full knowledge. Bush Administration apologists even say the President deserves credit because he directed research away from embryonic stem cells and encouraged scientists to look for more acceptable alternatives. In fact, the new research would not have been possible without the kind involving embryonic stem cells, which Bush believes is immoral.

The stem-cell issue is going away? 'Fraid not.

View article on:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1688769,00.html?xid=rss-nation

Def-Con Stupid

2007-11-30T09:39:00.050-06:00

In a country too superstitious to allow aggressive research into stem cell manipulation, it's no surprise that you'll find a completely counter-intuitive approach to saving human lives.

No, in this, shall we say, "hypothetical country" we would see the almost psychotic barfing of money on to a cause that addresses the "possible" threat of aggression from another country, half a world away, yet it would cut funding to prevent a disease that it absolutely KNOWS will kill over 560,000 of its citizens every year. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/01/25/eveningnews/main2400032.shtml

This is not to say that the previous "foreign threat" is not real - it is simply to point out that the priorities of this hypthetical country are confusing when it comes to the issue of saving lives.

Case in point:

Humanitarian Response Index 2007 rankings:
1. Sweden
2. Norway
3. Denmark
4. Netherlands
5. European Commission
6. Ireland
7. Canada
8. New Zealand
9. United Kingdom
10. Switzerland
11. Finland
12. Luxembourg
13. Germany
14. Australia
15. Belgium
16. United States
17. Spain
18. Japan
19. France
20. Austria
21. Portugal
22. Italy
23. Greece

View this article on Time.com

Bombing Index 2007 rankings:
1. Axis of Evil
2. United States
3. United Kingdom
4. Australia
5. Netherlands
6. Coalition of the Willing
7. Western Canada
8. Pauly Shore
9. The Atlanta Falcons
10. Evil Rigellian Marauders

View this article on: upyerbut.com

One of the largest single objects in Solar System

2007-11-16T09:27:00.002-06:00

Comet larger than the sun

Senior Science WriterSPACE.comThu Nov 15, 10:45 AM ET

A comet that has delighted backyard astronomers in recent weeks after an unexpected eruption has now grown larger than the sun.
Though Tom Cruise’s ego remains by far the most massive object in the solar system, with an extended influence of particles that reaches all the planets, the comparatively tiny Comet Holmes (no relation to Cruise's wife) has released so much gas and dust (haven't we all?) that its extended atmosphere, or coma, is larger than the diameter of the Sun. In fact, if the solar system was John Wayne, and I’ve often considered that it is, the comet would be his impacted colon. I wonder if it will ever get around to hitting this little old blue ball of ours and turn it into an elemental porridge. If it does, I hope it targets Mark Burnett’s house first. Let's see Pat Robertson blame that disaster on Gays and Lesbians!

Check Please!

2007-11-15T14:58:00.048-06:00

"While serendipity may be the art of finding pleasant things by chance, what health inspectors found at celebrated eatery Serendipity 3 was not very agreeable.
Officials closed the restaurant Wednesday night after it failed its second inspection in a month. An inspector spotted a live mouse and mouse droppings, fruit flies, house flies and more than 100 live cockroaches..." and those were just the patrons who ordered the veal.

Hmmm... time for a fun rant about how OVER-RATED the city of New York is! (To purposely piss-off insecure New Yorkers)

Is anyone REALLY surprized that a New York Restaurant has roaches and rodents? C'mon people! We're talking about a city that brags about the ruthlessness of its organized crime, the boldness of its muggers and the bloodiness of its history.

"Bla bla bla, New York, bla, World-Class City, bla bla, City that never sleeps, blabla..." Shut the hell up!

Sure! NYC is GREAT - if you're looking for a place to get your car stripped in broad daylight.

Let's face it, the place is a dump, but nobody has the guts to admit it. Least of all the idiots who go there to pay $25,000 for a fucking Sundae. You want roaches? Come to Texas. They're twice as big here, and much friendlier than a New Yorker, once you get to know them.

14 Months To Go

2007-11-14T09:05:00.028-06:00

At the time of this post, there's only 433 days left before G-Dub steps down and relieves us of his drunken frat-boy rule. From a long list of miss-spoken gaffs to the hapless "massage" of a high ranking German politician, this fella's legacy transcends the convenient excuses of political bias. Even loyal Texas Republicans, who would rather be corn-holed with a rolled up turban than vote for anything even slightly to the left of center, have openly admitted to me that George (bless his heart) is a dork. A full-fledged, dough-head, but THEIR full-fledged dough-head, and be damned if they won't protect him like a special needs child.

It's laughable, and as I've said, (see very first post) (not that anyone is really reading this blog) I now find his bumbling quite entertaining. Time will be kinder to GWB, as it has been to every past President save Tricky Dick. Just ask Ulysses S, Grant. If you poll the average Joe, most will say he's the Pres/General who won the Civil War. You won't get too many pointing out that he was drunker than a homeless Irishman straight through the 1850's, and only won the war because he had no real concern for how many of his own soldiers had to die to win it.

No, history permits George Sr. and Ronnie to skate on the Iran/Contra Scandals like Paris Hilton on a DUI. And that's fine. Because frankly, all this shiite is just too big for me... and worthy only of a laugh at their expense.

But the next-time you gaze fondly at the rear-view mirror of history, try to remember that, like him or not, George W. Bush was not a remarkable person. Something a US president really SHOULD be.

I need an Ad-Ville

2007-11-13T15:19:00.020-06:00

You gotta love a CD who talks the talk... but is quickly hobbled like James Caan in Misery when he (or she) tries to protect the creative integrity of a concept.

Hey there, Universe... been working out?

2007-11-12T11:40:00.027-06:00

New calculations find universe weighs less than thought

Kerd Than

Staff Writer

SPACE.com

Mon Nov 12, 6:45 AM ET
The universe, which was recently reported to be suffering from a bad case of planetoids, just got a little bit slimmer. Revised calculations indicate the universe contains less normal and dark matter than previously thought, resulting in a "weight loss" of 10 to 20 percent.

When approached for comment on it's recent slimming-down, the Universe attributed much of its success to the well known, and very popular, Atkins Diet that restricts carbohydrates, along with some basic "lifestyle" changes.

"...I'm trying to get a little more exercise - you know, working out and junk. I also try to throw a few less solar systems down my black hole, Heh heh. But overall, I feel good."

I need an Ad-Ville

2007-11-12T10:15:00.023-06:00

Badly drawn cartoons of stuff that really happens to me in the world of advertising. Some are new, some are old, and some are lame, but none are fabricated.

Toy - tal Recall

2007-11-07T10:04:00.012-06:00

Sydney - Australian officials introduced a nationwide ban Wednesday on a popular children's toy found to release a substance similar to the date-rape drug GHB when swallowed.

From the makers of the Easy Bake Hash Oven... The Toy makers score again - A plot by Asian Toy manufacturers to get at the nation's munchkins? I doubt it. But what's next? The New Free-basing Batman? My little LSD Pony?

Sucks To Be You

2007-11-07T09:42:00.011-06:00

CHICAGO (AP) - An inmate who's been in prison longer than anyone else in Illinois was up for a parole hearing last July. Seventy-8-year-old William Heirens was sentenced to three back-to-back life terms for murders he committed in the 1940's. He's spent 61 years in prison.

He was 17 years old when he entered the Cook County Jail. In his time in prison he became the first Illinois prisoner to earn a degree while in jail. (Fat lot of good that does him - hope he took a bunch of time-management classes)

State officials rejected William Heirens' request."God will forgive you, but the state won't," said Thomas Johnson, a member of the Prisoner Review Board, which voted 14-0 against parole. (Love the way Johnson speaks for GOD What is he? The Pope?)

Right Said Fred

2007-11-06T09:41:00.001-06:00

I actually like Fred Thompson. I disagree with his stances on about 5 key issues, but I'd be happy to see him as President. Mostly because I don't want to see any smart Democrat getting stuck with the check on the ridiculous mess GW and his cohorts are leaving. It's a no-win situation for whoever replaces the Smirking Chimp, so I'd just as soon it was a Republican who has to clean up the simeon-like poo-flinging he's done. Thompson seems like a pretty level-head, if not slightly delusional. On his recent Meet the Press appearance with Tim Russert, he asserts that the US has been making progress in Iraq and states that the number of casualties is definitely decreasing. However, (and I guess you can always blame the liberal media for this) a recent news story reports something that seems to contradict his perception of the facts.

BAGHDAD - The U.S. military on Tuesday announced the deaths of five more soldiers, making 2007 the deadliest year for U.S. troops despite a recent downturn, according to an Associated Press count.
At least 852 American military personnel have died in Iraq so far this year — the highest annual toll since the war began in March 2003, according to AP figures.

Recent downturns are one thing, but an increase over the last 4 years seems much more telling. So, Who be truthin' here?

10 can't miss shows... you really should miss: Part Deux

2007-11-06T08:34:00.056-06:00

Survivor: If you watch this show you should be beaten with a bag full of broken glass.

Especially Survivor: China. What's the challenge? To survive the food? I get it - whoever doesn't get explosive diarrhea from the Kung Pao Surprise is the winner.

Gather 12 certified A-holes from across the country and watch em "scheme" like teens at a sorority rush. PA-THETIC. A bilious display of all that is reprehensible in the human spirit. These contestants should all be spit on and laughed at until they cry.

Meanwhile Jeff "Anal" Probst stands around, freshly showered, with his smarmy grin, thinking, "what a bunch of losers".

Oooh yeah, and sometimes they slap a lesbian or some aging queen on the show to really raise the dork quotient. Very compelling!

If I gotta hear another of these turds say "I'm playing to win the game" one more time, I'm gonna puke my pancreas out of my human nostril.

And these idiots aren't REALLY competing for a "million dollars" for Chrissakes! They, maybe, palm $600k (after prize taxes) for making complete asses of themselves (and HOPEFULLY losing their day jobs).

In fairness, I suppose if you’re a gigantic, puss-head yourself, then watching these shmoes probably allows you to feel mildly normal for an hour. Otherwise, you'd wake up and change the blessed channel.

10 can't miss shows... you really should miss

2007-11-05T15:10:00.007-06:00

Dancing with the Goofs is more like it. Man, they sure are getting freakin liberal about who they call "Stars" nowadays aren't they? Let's see them dance without the experts. I guess I can really understand how the great unwashed can get psyched about watching some Saved by the Bell reject try to channel Ricardo Montalban, or some one legged frau who's only real claim to fame is that she married (and divorced) a Beatle. Who's next? The Geico Lizard? Here's how to make it more exciting: Call it Dancing with the Stairs! Have them rapidly mambo down a flight of concrete stairs to see who breaks their cursed skull open first. Better yet, make em do it all at once and call it a race. Now that's worth turning the channel for.

Oh goody... a night with a group of vacuous, materialistic dingbats, all discussing the value of speed botox or their sad disappointment in their husbands' salaries. Let's sit back an listen to what these bints "thought" there life was going to be... like we give a salted spit-wad. Perhaps real drama will ensue and they'll all be killed in a flash fire after their curling irons ignite their hair. Now you're talking, Tinker! Sign me up for that episode. I'd even buy the sountrack just to hear them scream.
Face it! If you're tuning into this cuck, you really need to send out for one medium LIFE with extra Clue sauce.

In an upcoming episode, Tyra surprises the girls by offering them a sniff of her deoderant. Then she deftly gives them an in-depth lesson about how to vomit smoothly after an intense bulemic binge-out. In part 2, She shows them how to model in front of a moving camera. Ya that sounds hard... for a paramecium... a retarded paramecium. How about in front of a moving bus?

The girls are eventually greeted by Tyra's personal cocaine connection and, eventually, music video director Jesse Terrero, (sound like an oily bastard to you?) who tells them that they are going to participate in a "music" video with guest star Enrique Iglesias. Eglisias shamelessly gropes the bunch of them and tearfully declares: "That was for you Pappa."

Eventually, one of the models actually collapses during the shoot when she learns she's actually a Scorpio and not a Libra... and stupid. Oh the drama! Can you wait? I can.

You know what kind of show really compels me? a show about an ugly chick. Or better yet, an ugly chick who actually isn't really ugly. Ye Gawds, I'm sick of this twaddle. Hollywood sticks a bad pair of specs on a perfectly good looking actress, straightens out their hair and slaps braces on em and passes them off as ugly. (sure, maybe by LA standards) Then later in the "show" she doffs the glasses fixes the hair and loses the braces - BLAM! Insta-hottie. Suddenly she lands the cute boy "who never noticed her before, but now loves her for her personality." This cheap technique is similar to the Jerry Lewis method of looking like you've just blown yourself up. Tilt the glasses, mess-up the hair and cross your eyes. Genius! They do the same with "nerds" - but does anyone buy it? If you do... then just kill yourself. You're too gullible to live.

How about throwing a real fat, ugly skag in the show - She'll NEVER get the cute boy no matter how much of her heart is gold. And no one will give a steamy squat. Let the cameras follow her to her trailer and watch her pig-out on ding-dongs, bananas and Zinfandel- then gaze in horror as she, sick with loneliness and failure, eats a hollow-point. P.S: the suicide note will have at least 2 misspellings if there's even a remote link to reality.

Somebody call him a Waahmbulance

2007-11-05T08:00:00.044-06:00

My sucky band broke up. And I'm a gay man struggling in a quasi-puritan society... waaah! Geez talk about "TMI" - The only REAL question was: Of all the In-Stync fans out there, how many WEREN'T gay?

I guess you can give the teen girls a free-pass and chalk it up to the equivalent of liking Shaun Cassidy in the 70s.

But if you were a male In-Sync fan... hand in your Y chromosome and line-up for gender reassignment, Nancy.

Gooder English: The Microsoft Way

2007-11-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

Yup! It are true. It really done happen to me. Click on the picture for a closer look.

Suite Jesus!

2007-11-01T13:28:00.006-05:00

Wow: These guys look like they want your NUTS!

And once the Christmas sorties commence at the local Grab-and-Charge Super Centers, they'll come looking for something to crack. The season is upon us! Take Cover!

So long, G-Dub - It's been a GAS.

2007-11-01T11:41:00.043-05:00

George W. 2000 - 2008. As he gets ready to make his exit, I find it hard to be angry at him. He's just so frrreaking funny. Like a monkey who haplessly creates chaos in a kitchen full of fine crystal, his hijinx has left me shaking my head, but chuckling at the pie-fight confusion he, and his administration, have caused.
Sure, lots of people are dying because of his initiatives, but if this monkey's own handlers (GOP Faithful) aren't worried, why should I be? I have no kids. 40 years from now, If this world ends up shaking us off like fleas for trying to pull an Albert DeSalvo on it, why should I give a tinker's cuss? I'll be takin a dirt-nap anyway.

Hell, if the Repubs with kids can't smell the coffee and step up, why look to me? Order me up a giant SUV, baby - I'm drivin' to Vegas to get drunk with Dean Martin's ghost.