May 15, 2008

Cliché Away

I cringed and suffered a wave of sincere disappointment and spiritual grief after game three of the Dallas/Detroit playoff series.

Not because the Stars lost, but because I heard Marty Turco utter the old chestnut, “Our backs are against the wall.”

My eyes immediately rolled back into my empty skull and I almost hit a Camo Hum-V with thermo-nuclear weapon driving close to me in the next lane. This careless use of a cliché had almost cost many human lives.

And it can’t be the first time! But it MUST be the last!!!

We’ve all gotten used to the inevitable clichés that get slung around like poop in a chimp cage during the playoffs, but I think now it may be time to try out some new material.

Here are few suggestions:

To replace “our backs are against the wall,” players could say:

Our asses are prepping for a brick enema” (The Gen-Xers will love it.)

Or, rather than the tired “ it’s do or die” response, they could try:

If we lose tonight it’s Brokeback Mountain for all of us.”

Here are some more options:
  • We’re Desperate as Housewives now.

  • I guess it’s time to stop eating the blowfish.

  • If we don’t find a restroom soon, we’re gonna need new britches.

  • It’s last call and we ain’t drunk yet.

  • Now’s the time to pull up our skatesI

  • Hope we can find the frickin' Immunity Idol.

  • We've got to "Jack Bauer" up!

  • This is our chance to put the crack-pipe down.

  • From here on, we're pretending our mothers' lives are on the line.

  • Our shmeckles are definitely on the cutting board right now.

  • They've already given us the sodium thiopental and the pancuronium; If we lose now it's the potassium chloride -- and nobody wants that.

  • We’re about to miss the train to Winsburgh.

  • It’s Sudafed time, Baby!

Hmmm…Never mind! Come to think of it, maybe the clichés are better.

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