An Amendment to the 2nd Amendment

The NFL Players Association filed a grievance on Tuesday challenging the suspension and fine given to Plaxico Burress by the New York Giants after the receiver accidentally shot himself in a nightclub more than a week ago.

I know the gun goofs hold their right to own penis extensions as dear as their grandmothers, but Second Amendment be damned... can we at least agree that if you shoot yourself with your own gun, YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE ANYMORE?

That's fair... isn't it?

Gimme 1 Good Reason

I decided to make a list of reasons to drink beer. It turned out to be a much shorter list than I thought.

1. A sports event


2. Success of any kind -- i.e. managing to get through the day in one piece.


3. Failure of any kind


4. Feeling thirsty


5. ?

That's all I could come up with.

A Parting Shot

I really will miss this guy. He's sooo funny.

In fairness, we never really did get any oil from all this military muscle flexing.

We'd have been better off just finding some OPEC 10% off coupons and saving a few thousand American lives... but hey it's all blood under the bridge now. Let's move forward.

No matter what happens in November, the country can't possibly do worse. Both candidates make "The Dub" look like my pet goat.

But you'd paste his face on any picture and you had insta-hilarity. I mean look at those close set beady eyes...that chimpish mouth. Man, you couldn't even PLAN it to be more amusing.

Bushie-boy goes down with an economy in shambles -- Bin Laden still on the lam -- the arctic ice shelf a little smaller --and gay marriage firmly banished to the wings. All the while pointing an accusatory finger at the "dreaded Liberal" and "socialism" -- words he can barely pronounce let alone understand.

So now Georgie can move to Dallas, a stronghold of right-wing ignorance, misguided elitism and barely closeted racism.He’ll buy a big mansion in Highland Park and do some work for charity, but my guess is he’ll spend the rest of his days mostly incognito – in hiding from anything that exposes too much of his mediocre personality to the public.

And you can’t say he hasn’t earned that respite.

He’s taken a beating through the years, though mostly through is own devices, so I have to believe the ol’ frat boy is feeling like a motorcycle (2 tired).

The pure incompetence of W’s regime will be blamed on the Left by 50% of the nation. There’s no escaping it. Republicans never admit defeat and are incapable of holding themselves responsible for anything they do.

The recession will end eventually, and on that day George may poke his head out of his mansion and say, “See? I told you there was no recession.” But by then the hounds will be at some other slob’s door, and it might just be accepted as gospel.

Speaking of gospel, I was looking at some online poll that asked the proverbial question:

Was Jesus a Democrat or a Republican?

Though a decent percentage of people asserted that he was neither, (or that there was no way of knowing) the rest slid down the greasy poles of political bias.

Several posited that not only was Jesus a Republican, but that he was also very much alive and walking the earth. This type of logic is comparable to the droolings of Mark David Chapman just before he finally went off his nut.
It’s a hilarious question though. What concept could Jesus have of the political differences between Dems versus GOPs - or Hummers versus Volkswagens - or any other 21st Century concept?
Never mind that nonsense! There are more compelling questions to answer… and we’re running out of time.

For instance:


What would Elvis use? A Blackberry or an iPhone?


What Big-12 school would Abraham Lincoln have preferred? One with a good Poli-Sci program or one where he could make the Basketball team?


What would Billy Graham do if he was instantly transported to Jerusalem during the time of Jesus?

A.) Get beheaded instantly
B.) Get beheaded after a brief, but brutal, round of torture
C.) Meet Jesus and get in to an argument with him over religion
D.) Run and hide in a cave, sniveling like a little girl
E.) Have his tongue cut out for spewing BS in a strange language, and then get beheaded

No Guff 2: Triumph of the Obvioids

(Reuters) – Billionaire investor Warren Buffett is buying U.S. stocks, he wrote in an opinion column in the New York Times.
"A simple rule dictates my buying: Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful," Buffett wrote in the paper.
Buffett acknowledged the economic news was bad, with the financial world in a mess, unemployment rising and business activity faltering.
"What is likely, however, is that the market will move higher, perhaps substantially so, well before either sentiment or the economy turns up," he said. "So if you wait for the robins, spring will be over."

OH HOLY FUCK! How pedantic! The FUCKING BILLIONAIRE is buying flagging US Stocks!?!?!

I bet he's buying another mansion/jet/yacht, too.

Well geez, who figured it could be so simple? Maybe he's really going to spare a few million and buy into this Wall St. fire sale - GENIUS.

But wait, I have this crazy notion that even the profoundly retarded could figure this tactic out.

Let's see, I have BILLIONS OF DOLLARS... yup, check that off... I've already bought a little of EVERYTHING on the planet... uh-huh, got that covered... Now, with US stocks cheaper than they've been in years... I THINK I'LL BUY!

Is it any wonder why we sanctify rich c*nts like him? They're sooo smart. What's his next epiphany? Wear a seatbelt?

Warren Buffett? Fricking Jimmy Buffett could do this math.

I'd give the guy more credit if he told people to spend their money on whores.

I think the US should introduce a new tax - a federal one for being a smarmy, rich ass-fuck.

NO GUFF!

Afghan war cannot be won militarily: U.N

(re-posted)

By Jonathon Burch

The war in Afghanistan cannot be won militarily and success is only possible through political means including dialogue between all relevant parties, the United Nations' top official in the country said Monday.

His comments come after Britain's military commander in Afghanistan said the war could not be won and that the goal was to reduce the insurgency to a level where it was no longer a strategic threat and could be dealt with by the Afghan army.

Brigadier Mark Carleton-Smith said if the Taliban were willing to talk, that might be "precisely the sort of progress" needed to end the insurgency.

"I've always said to those that talk about the military surge ... what we need most of all is a political surge, more political energy," Kai Eide, the U.N. special envoy to Afghanistan, told a news conference in Kabul.

"We all know that we cannot win it militarily. It has to be won through political means. That means political engagement."

Eide said success depended on speaking with all sides in the conflict. "If you want to have relevant results, you must speak to those who are relevant. If you want to have results that matter, you must speak to those who matter," he said.

Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman said: "We're not losing in Afghanistan, though there certainly is a recognition that there's more we could be doing there."

Asked about the possibility of negotiations with the Taliban, he replied: "This is not an element of our strategy. They have terrorized Afghan society for years."

The British ambassador to Kabul said a troop surge would only create more targets for the

Taliban. The comments were made to a French colleague who sent a telegram to Paris which was leaked and published in Le Canard Enchaine newspaper last week.

But the U.S. general commanding NATO forces said last month he needed three more brigades -- possibly around 15,000 troops -- on top of an extra 4,000 soldiers due to arrive in January.

The Afghan Defense Ministry says the cost of one foreign soldier in Afghanistan is equal to more than 60 Afghan troops.

Some facts adrift in veep debate re-posted

THUS BEGINS the story of political treachery

By CALVIN WOODWARD, Associated Press WriterFri Oct 3, 7:58 AM ET

Republican Sarah Palin criticized a version of a Barack Obama health care plan that doesn't exist and Democrat Joe Biden clung to a misleading charge about Republicans and big oil when the two clashed in the vice presidential debate Thursday.
Some examples of facts cast adrift in the debate:

PALIN: Said of Democratic presidential candidate Obama: "94 times he voted to increase taxes or not support a tax reduction."

THE FACTS: The dubious count includes repetitive votes as well as votes to cut taxes for the middle class while raising them on the rich. An analysis by factcheck.org found that 23 of the votes were for measures that would have produced no tax increase at all, seven were in favor of measures that would have lowered taxes for many, 11 would have increased taxes on only those making more than $1 million a year.
___
BIDEN: Complained about "economic policies of the last eight years" that led to "excessive deregulation."

THE FACTS: Biden voted for 1999 deregulation that liberal groups are blaming for part of the financial crisis today. The law allowed Wall Street investment banks to create the kind of mortgage-related securities at the core of the problem now. The law was widely backed by Republicans as well as by Democratic President Clinton, who argues it has stopped the crisis today from being worse.

Biden voting for this does not change the fact that the economic policies of the Bush Admin have sucked.
___
PALIN: Criticized Obama's "plan to mandate health care coverage and have universal government run program" for health care, and added: "I don't think it's going to be real pleasing for Americans to consider health care being taken over by the Feds."

THE FACTS: Wrong on several counts. Obama's plan does not provide for universal coverage, only mandates insurance for children and doesn't turn the system over to the government. Most people would still get private insurance through their work. Obama proposes that the government subsidize the cost of health coverage for millions who have trouble affording it and he'd set up an exchange to negotiate prices and benefits with private insurers — with one option being a government-run plan.
___
BIDEN: Warned that Republican presidential candidate John McCain's $5,000 tax credit to help families buy health coverage "will go straight to the insurance company."

THE FACTS: That's not surprising — the money is meant to pay for health insurance. The Obama campaign tried to capitalize on the candidates' health care exchange by issuing an ad Friday contending that the Republicans can't explain "the McCain health tax.

I may be bias, but this seems like less of a factual error, and more a case of "making a weak point"
___
PALIN: "Two years ago, remember, it was John McCain who pushed so hard with the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac reform measures. He sounded that warning bell."

THE FACTS: Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska led an effort in 2005 to tighten regulation on the mortgage underwriters — McCain joined as a co-sponsor a year later. The legislation was never taken up by the full Senate, then under Republican control.
___
BIDEN: Said McCain supports tax breaks for oil companies, and "wants to give them another $4 billion tax cut."

THE FACTS: Biden is repeating a favorite saw of the Obama campaign, and it's misleading. McCain supports a cut in income taxes for all corporations, and doesn't single out any one industry for that benefit.

If oil companies qualify as part of "all corporations" then this statement is still valid.
___
PALIN: Said the United States has reduced its troop level in Iraq to a number below where it was when the troop increase began in early 2007.

THE FACTS: Not correct. The Pentagon says there are currently 152,000 U.S. troops in Iraq, about 17,000 more than there were before the 2007 military buildup began.
___
BIDEN: "As a matter of fact, John recently wrote an article in a major magazine saying that he wants to do for the health care industry — deregulate it and let the free market move — like he did for the banking industry."

THE FACTS: Biden and Obama have been perpetuating this distortion of what McCain wrote in an article for the American Academy of Actuaries. McCain, laying out his health plan, only referred to deregulation when saying people should be allowed to buy health insurance across state lines. In that context, he wrote: "Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation."
___
PALIN: Said Alaska is "building a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline, which is North America's largest and most expensive infrastructure project ever to flow those sources of energy into hungry markets."

THE FACTS: Not quite. Construction is at least six years away. So far the state has only awarded a license to Trans Canada Corp., that comes with $500 million in seed money in exchange for commitments toward a lengthy and costly process to getting a federal certificate. At an August news conference after the state Legislature approved the license, Palin said, "It's not a done deal."
___
PALIN: "Barack Obama even supported increasing taxes as late as last year for those families making only $42,000 a year."

BIDEN: "The charge is absolutely not true. Barack Obama did not vote to raise taxes."

THE FACTS: The vote was on a nonbinding budget resolution that assumed that President Bush's tax cuts would expire, as scheduled, in 2011. If that actually happened, it could mean higher taxes for people making as little as about $42,000. But Obama is proposing tax increases only on the wealthy, and would cut taxes for most others.

Obama may, in fact, BE proposing tax increases (how else would he be able to pay back the massive deficit?) - but the statement was that he, "...did not vote to raise taxes" - past tense!
___
PALIN: Said a McCain-Palin administration "will support Israel," including "building our embassy ... in Jerusalem."

THE FACTS: Moving the U.S. Embassy from its present location in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem is a perennial promise of presidential candidates courting the Jewish-American vote. In fact, moving the embassy is actually required by U.S. law. But successive administrations of both parties, including George W. Bush's, have made the same pledge only to find that the realities of Middle East peacemaking have forced them to invoke a waiver to delay it. Jerusalem is claimed as a capital by both Israel and the Palestinians and Israel's occupation of east Jerusalem is not internationally recognized. The city's status is one of the key issues of disagreement in peace negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians.
___
Associated Press writers Tom Raum, Steve Quinn, Jim Kuhnhenn, Lolita Baldor and Matthew Lee contributed to this report.

It's Getting Ugly Out There

The natives are restless and the savages are out for blood. Now is not the time to be walking around with diamond-studded dollar sign cufflinks – that kind of display could result in a public massacre especially if you’re caught on Wall St.

But here’s a modest survival tip for these treacherous times: Never… EVER try to change a Republican’s mind.

It’s easier to simply crush your own head in a vice.

If you DO find yourself in a disagreement with one, immediately begin backing away slowly. As with most crazy beasts, try to avoid eye contact. A smile and agreeable (if spurious) head nod should be used if necessary… then, when you’ve reached a safe distance. Run or lock a door between you and them. It’s the safest bet. After that, stay away, lest the “crazy” rub off on you.

This morning I heard the local neo-con station here in Texas explaining to listeners that this entire economic bail-out is the “FAULT” of a Democratic Congress. No mention was made of the fact that George Bush was backing the bail-out.

I had always thought that Republicans believed in business Darwinism and "small government". I thought that they wanted to keep politics "out of the boardroom" - That they supported privatizing everything?

Then I heard, amidst a Republican Regime, about an $85 billion loan to AIG in exchange for a nearly 80 percent stake in the company, which lost billions in the risky business of insuring against bond defaults.

Plus, a few Tuesdays ago, the Federal Reserve injected 70 billion dollars of liquidity to help stressed financial markets. And that's not mentioning the $200 billion to save both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

According to one report, the US government has spent $900 billion this year in taking over failing companies - this includes the Fannie and Freddie bail-out.

So the $700 Billion Dollar bail-out crafted by both Repubs and Dems will now attempt to be passed and made real. Then I assume it will be added to the national debt which is already surging toward the $10 trillion mark.

So Bush is the President and leader of the country. He is a Republican. He has authorized trillions on the war. He has authorized billions in corporate bail-outs. He has CUT INCOME TAX.
BUT – this is the fault of the democrats.

Well, that tears it.

Vote Republican, All!

Wallow in the psychotic stink that comes from a complete lack of accountability or social responsibility. I applaud you.

It is said that countries get the governments they deserve. This seems axiomatic now.

Check please!

Clay Aiken is Gay

Clay, meet Lance Bass.

Lance, this is Clay....

You two have a lot in common...

You both sing!

Way to Support the Troops, A-Holes!

As another US military death in Afghanistan increases this year's death toll to 112, and makes 2008 the deadliest for American forces in Afghanistan since the U.S. invaded the country in response to the Sept. 11 attacks, we have to ask ourselves if Operation Enduring Freedom is half as important to the US than the one they are caught up in over in Iraq.

In June, militants killed more U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan than in Iraq for the second straight month. While the trend is in part due to falling violence in Iraq, it also reflects rising violence in Afghanistan and the Taliban's growing strength. The 40-nation international coalition is much broader in Afghanistan, where half of the 65,000 international troops are American.

On Jan. 16, 2008, US Defense Secretary Robert Gates smugly said he believes NATO forces currently deployed in southern Afghanistan "don't know how to do counterinsurgency operations."

Way to fucking support the troops! Evidently US troops are above criticism, but to hell with our allies. Any democrat who blathered a similar remark against the US Military in Iraq would be instantly branded with treason.

Most of the NATO troops in the south are British, Canadian and Dutch, while those in the north are US – however the The NATO forces are led by a U.S. commander. Washington announced the temporary deployment of 3,200 Marines to southern Afghanistan to quell the rising number of attacks. (LAT, Jan. 16). The UK has lost 86 troops in Afghanistan; the Netherlands have lost 14. The Canadian death toll in Afghanistan is 78, including one diplomat. Total coalition fatalities stand at 760, with 480 from the US. 2007 was by far the bloodiest year, with 232 fatalities. (Coalition Casualty Count, Jan. 16)

Leaving this battle to the Dutch, English and Canadians may not be the best tactic, to be sure… so why not send in the A-Team, already? Go ahead!

Or… you could just realize nobody is doing any good there, get out, and shut your festering gobs.

Palin Comparison

The Repub(e)s are raving about their girl Palin this morning who delivered a feisty speech at the national convention September 3. Once again throwing the media under the bus for what amounts to "calling them out" the GOP faithful circled the wagons and berated the 5th estate for jumping on the fact her (very) young daughter was pregnant and out of wedlock.

Because we wouldn't want anyone reporting anything that could be seen as negative, would we?

No acknowledgement to the POV that it's a little out of place for a party who generally preaches abstinence, the sanctity of marriage, and Christian Family Values. I missed the part where Christian Family Values started advocating un-wed pregnancies, but it wouldn't surprise me to learn they "modified" the rule to serve their purposes.

Still, it's of no real consequence to me personally, or the running of the nation, but what is, is the usual drivel the righty-tighties spewed out in their tendentious orations last night.

The Neo-Cons can try to shoot the messenger if they want - but the truth is they just don't like to be exposed.

Checking the facts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPo9sCqza98

Here is an great article re-posted here without permission -- (hope the writer will forgive me)

By JIM KUHNHENN, Associated Press Writer Wed Sep 3, 11:48 PM ET

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.
Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.
Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.
He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.
FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats been in charge of the House and Senate.
___
Associated Press Writer Jim Drinkard in Washington contributed to this report.

How I Hope Heaven Looks Like This

Wells Gray P. P.

Dope is for dopes, MAN!!!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Dancing Down the Moon (with apologies to Dianne Sylvan)

In the future, total solar eclipses will no longer be possible... so states an article.
That's because every year the moon drifts 4 cm further away from the earth.

This naturally poses the query: "Will the Moon eventually swing out of earth's orbit?"

Fortunately, (I think), Aerospaceweb.org answers thusly:

"The Moon will eventually move far enough from Earth that its orbit will stabilize and increase no further. Theoretically, the Moon's orbit will eventually stabilize at a distance 1.6 times what it is today in about 15 billion years. I say theoretically since our current understanding of the Sun is that it will expand into a red giant in only five billion years or so and destroy both the Earth and Moon in the process."

It's a cool thing to allay the fears of an event that's 15 billion years away by reminding us that 5 billion years from now the earth will be toast.

It's like being so worried about getting to work in the morning, that we fail to see the stop sign at the intersection, and -- BLAMMO -- we're grill cheese... instantly, getting to work on-time is no longer a big-ass concern.

Of course, this is a much exaggerated analogy, since the difference between getting to work on time, your life, and a few billion years is... well, largely large-ish.

It's easy for a fatalist like 'ol Elbow to dwell on the futile eventuality of it all.

Many more of us human-heads can vidi the extended calendar, realize we have no children, and slowly start wondering how the future could possibly concern us any more than our choice of great-tasting, breakfast cereal.

With factoids like the one mentioned above, even the most zealous "I-believe-that-children-are-our-fucking-future" votarist, thrall can begin to see the bootlessness of our earthly condition.

But, as with so many things that trouble and confuse us, we simply refuse to ponder it too heavily and continue living in the moment. A moment where next week's plans become truly compelling, and the prospect of Star Trekian Utopias seem not only possible, but down-right essential. Where the price of a slurpie can really enrage us and a "dollar off" coupon can bring us back to inner peace.

Meanwhile, the moon slips a little further away, the stock market fluctuates, and another 6.1 billion people take a dump, wipe their ass, then go on to their next meaningless endeavor.

And a Happy Birthday 2 U 2, Brothah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS-FoXbjVI

Happy Birthday, Kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGHMw_67fOk

It Just Makes Sense

But the best reason of all is because... it's the Republican's mess - so why not let them clean it up?

Forget the fact that the right-wing perpetually points the finger at democratic government spending while continually authorizing staggering, unprecidented amounts of money towards the military to ostensibly fight terrorism.

"Terrorism," like "fascism," is one of those words that people routinely apply to almost any behaviour they disapprove of.

- Gwynne Dyer

They cut frivolous liberal expenditures like funding for cancer research and education, give you a check for $600 bones this month, then send another $255 million towards the Iraqi quagmire.

"(Last February) the Pentagon asked Congress for the biggest defence budget since the Second World War: $515 billion, plus an additional $70 billion to cover the costs of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq for part of the coming year.

The United States is proposing to spend more on the armed forces, quite apart from the running costs of Iraq and Afghanistan, than it did at the height of the Cold War against the Soviet Union -- and yet almost all the commentary and analysis in the US media has focussed on the spending on the two wars. Even that is a lot of money.

The US Congress has already approved is $190 billion for this year alone. Not only that, but some of the money in the regular defence budget can also be indirectly attributed to America's wars in the Muslim world, like the expenditure on new equipment to replace the weapons that have been destroyed or worn out inthe wars. And there is a great deal more money in the current US defence budget -- probably three times as much -- that has nothing to do with the"war on terror." Even if you accept the deeply suspect proposition that invading foreign countries is a useful way to fight terrorism, invading the target countries (which generally do not inhabit the higher reaches of the technological pecking order) does not require eleven aircraft carriers and fleets of stealth bombers."

- Gwynne Dyer

And just today (July 30th), Bush signed into law another 162-billion-dollar spending bill funding the Afghanistan and Iraq wars well into 2009 -- roughly six months into his successor's term. Then he has the nuts to wave his pen at the press and claim he's stopping the Dems from spending your hard earned money.

Although it is looking very likely that Obama and the Dems may win the 2008 race, do not underestimate the American voters latent desire to continue living under the leadership of a government that embraces gun love, race hate, corporate welfare and perpetual war.

As Dyer smartly points out, another thing that could swing the 2008 election in favor of the Republicans is another large-scale terrorist attack on the United States. Because let's face it, Osama bin Laden is well aware that his greatest recruiting tool in the Arab world is the American military presence in Iraq.

You Can Lead A Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Care About Silly Human Endeavors

As Dan Gelston, AP sports writer noted, “Big Brown’s Triple Crown bid is finished. So is his undefeated career record.”

“In one mystifying run at the Belmont Stakes, Big Brown’s legacy disintegrated with racing’s 12th Triple Crown on the line in New York.”

Despite convincing Preakness and K-Derby victories and memorable “Scholastic Rock” ditties, Big Brown decided three was NOT a magic number.

Obviously, the real loser here was the sport of thoroughbred racing, because let’s face it; Big Brown couldn’t give a wet bag of oats whether he won or lost… BECAUSE HE’S A FREAKIN’ HORSE.

“Big Brown wasn’t Big Brown,” said Nick Zito, who trained long-shot winner Da’ Tara.
Aha! Then we are to believe there was an impostor horse running with BB’s number!?!
Or... was it in fact because, like so many HUMAN athletes, he just didn’t "WANT it bad enough?" Could we speculate the “effort” wasn’t there? Maybe he just "didn’t pay attention to the fundamentals that had brought him past success".

Those clichés sound fucking goofy when you're talking about a fast cow (aka Horse), don't they?

“No one really has the answers to Big Brown’s woes,” said one article.

But my crazy guess is, after I dispose with the anthropomorphic twaddle, that Big Brown has absolutely no “woes” today. He is simply concerned with which tree to nibble grass under, or perhaps casually looking for a good spot to drop one of his very own “big browns”.

We humans have saddled young Brownie with some of our own nutty aspirations and attempted to bridle him with the pressures and expectations we apparently no longer reserve for just professional athletes.

But no matter how much we’d like Big Brown to care, he will never understand or give a half trot about our strange efforts to achieve historical notoriety, money or power.

He will never have to get up in front of the media to explain that he’d never knowingly taken Horsey-Steroids or that it wasn’t his previous night at the peeler bar that dulled his racing prowess.

For all we know, Big Brown took one sniff of Da’ Tara’s arse, and headed as far down wind as he could get.


BB didn’t feel like running fast on Sunday, and he saw no horse sense in taking the lead. It doesn’t take Robert Redford to figure out that whisper, race fans.


“There’s nothing physically that’s shown up,” said Co-owner Michael Iavarone, “I’m as confused as anybody.”


No guff, Dr. Doolittle! But let me clear up your confusion. Horses probably have a reason, (however simple those “reasons” may be) for everything they do. But fortunately for them, they are not compelled to clear it with us.


“Sports” fans, (and with horse-racing I use the term loosely) have lost this year's opportunity to glorify an animal’s physical prowess and bestow a human-like level of integrity and drive.


But for Big Brown, he will likely live out the rest of his days at the stud farm, enjoying warm summers at the ranch, and high dollar hay. And, because he's a horse, he'll never stop to ponder the "whys" or "what-could-have-beens".


His owners will continue to take care of him, arrange mate-dates with other cute thoroughbreds, and visit him in his stall… all the while being careful not to step in one of his freshly dropped “triple crowns”.

A Funai Thing Happened To Me On The Way To Progressburgh

One of Brazil's last uncontacted Indian tribes has been spotted in the far western Amazon jungle near the Peruvian border – although not so “near” that they might have just come across advanced civilization on a day trip, the National Indian Foundation said Thursday.

The Indians were sighted in an Ethno-Environmental Protected Area along the Envira River in flights over remote Acre state, said the Brazilian government foundation, known as Funai.

There are more than 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide, most of them in Brazil and Peru, and one or two in Mississippi the group said in a statement.

“It’s so funny, they think we’re like, aliens er something,” said one of the pilots of the plane, “They was shootin’ us with them arrows like a buncha dummies… I mean, get with the program, Hiawatha!”

A National Indian Foundation spokesperson remarked that the men looked healthy, saying, “this is an example of how well a man can thrive without McDonalds and women’s rights.”

I keep telling my wife that we’ve just got to get on that uncontacted list, but I can’t seem to find the Web site. Makes me wonder how these Brazilian natives managed.

Plus, I’ve tried shooting arrows at my homeowner’s association, but they keep slipping the dues bill under my door.

THE WEATHER-WATCH PARADOX

Around the Dallas area, you get a fair number of thunder storms which, occasionally, will segue into a trailer-trashing tornado… especially at certain times of the year. It’s a going concern for the people who live here, and we definitely require the timely warnings of strategically placed air-raid sirens to tip us to the impending tempests.

It’s “that time of year” again here in the DFW Metroplex, so lately our local weather knobs have been breaking into our prime time TV programming to advise us that the Doppler is going tie-dye and disgruntled … again.

This is particularly annoying if the “weather” they break-in to report on is actually passing 10 to 25 miles north or south of the city.

I know I’m being selfish, but if the weather is going to hit Podunkville, tell them – not me.

The needs of the many have to outweigh the few. Dang it!

Besides, I was watching My Name is Earl, fer GOD’s sake.

But the other day, it finally occurred to me what was so annoying: the local News Channel was busy blowing its horn and bragging about how it would interrupt to report weather emergencies instantly to “keep YOU informed” – and, as I sat there listening, it dawned on me that after experiencing about 20 of these storms over the past 2 years, I had never actually SEEN one of these “informative reports” when the storm was hitting MY freaking house.

“Ding” – the light went on – because… THE LIGHTS GO OFF!

There we are, in each case, locking the dogs in the bathroom and wondering how long the chaos will last, whether there’s an actual twister forming, or whether I should disrobe, go outside, and wave my privates defiantly at the weather gods… with NO TV!

When the weather gets jinky, and the storm siren sounds, you (maybe) have about a minute or two before the power goes kerplunk, then it’s just you, a flashlight, your bottle of rye, and a battery powered radio. Johnny Meteorologist and his magic Storm Tracker Technology are about as much use as a Lucky Mood Ring at times like these. And the other times are simply low on my priority list… somewhere, well beneath, CSI - New York and a Simpson’s rerun.

Such paraconsistent logic might have Quesada chuckling, but it just has me wanting to kick a TV Station Program Director in his weather veined balls.

Olympic Hopefuls Outraged by Stolen Techniques

“Part of the secret to impressing the judges at an Olympic competition is an element of innovation and newness to the dive,” remarked USA Diving coach John Wingfield, who wished to remain anonymous.

“What Mr. Osgood and Mr. Franzen are doing should be considered theft of a proprietary technique. It’s an approach that our team was not going to reveal to the diving world until Beijing.”

US National Team member, Hugh Showe who was hoping to compete in the 3-meter using a newly devised reverse pike, is suspicious of where Detroit net minder Chris Osgood came up with such a “similar” technique.
“The forward dive pike from a standing start is a fundamental drill that all divers practice whether they are a beginner or seasoned veteran, but the reverse with the arms flailing is a facet we had been working on in secret,” He said. “I just have to wonder how Chris Osgood was able to reproduce it without inside knowledge.”

Canadian 3-meter Plongeon Team member, Eric Sehn (who also asked to remain anonymous) echoed these sentiments, saying “Admittedly there’s something strange about the way Franzen and Osgood seem to capture the essence of some of our most important diving fundamentals.”

The Pittsburgh Penguins started a “diving” debate after Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals late Monday night in Detroit. “He’s good at it,” Pen Coach Michel Therrien said. “Malone’s intention was not to go to hit the goalie. This is not something we’re doing. He went in front of the net, and Osgood challenged him and he [executed the dive].”

Gary Roberts, who appeared to get away with a semi-sucker punch to Johan Franzen’s face with about nine minutes left in Game 2, said after reviewing film of that play he believes Franzen goes to the same diving school as Osgood.

Naturally, opinions on the issue seem to be split depending on your team allegiance.

Pens fans point to a conspiracy of 10 meter proportions, while Detroit faithful claim the controversy is “Complete cod-swaddle” and the result of Spheniscus frustration and jealousy – noting that the term “diving” is “technically not applicable” because the water their players land in is clearly frozen.

The Real Crime Against Society

ORLANDO, Fla. - Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for engineering a decades-long scam that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings.

To me, the "engineering of a decades-long scam that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings" is the forgivable crime.

But, in serendipitous fashion, justice is indirectly served.

Now, if only he can be shanked quickly while in the general population. After a hearty lunch of "700 punches in the face"

25 years is a gift considering the peccant audio sewage he was directly responsible for.

Being shot... burned... and pissed on (from a dizzy height) (and not necessarily in that order) is a much more fitting punishment for this weed...

For N Stync alone, he must be considered the Dennis Rader of musical appreciation.

I hope the guards take spiked jack-boots to him!

Nonsense? Or... Adsense?

The advertising collective once known as “Madison Avenue” had lately missed the proverbial boat up until the time they finally decided to key on one of the sure-fire elements for a winning ad campaign. That is... use a Viking. Let’s face it, Vikings sell.

It’s a guaranteed needle mover. For chocolate or footwear…or guns.

There are other sure-fire elements out there, but forget those. You only need one.

Chimps.

Just watch the Super Bowl ads every year… there’s at least one monkey flavored spot.

Whether it’s trunk monkeys, dancing primates or chimps in space… remember young ad squids: Monkeys are Funny… Monkeys are Money!

Cliché Away

I cringed and suffered a wave of sincere disappointment and spiritual grief after game three of the Dallas/Detroit playoff series.

Not because the Stars lost, but because I heard Marty Turco utter the old chestnut, “Our backs are against the wall.”

My eyes immediately rolled back into my empty skull and I almost hit a Camo Hum-V with thermo-nuclear weapon driving close to me in the next lane. This careless use of a cliché had almost cost many human lives.

And it can’t be the first time! But it MUST be the last!!!

We’ve all gotten used to the inevitable clichés that get slung around like poop in a chimp cage during the playoffs, but I think now it may be time to try out some new material.

Here are few suggestions:

To replace “our backs are against the wall,” players could say:

“Our asses are prepping for a brick enema” (The Gen-Xers will love it.)

Or, rather than the tired “ it’s do or die” response, they could try:

“If we lose tonight it’s Brokeback Mountain for all of us.”

Here are some more options:

• We’re Desperate as Housewives now.


• I guess it’s time to stop eating the blowfish.


• If we don’t find a restroom soon, we’re gonna need new britches.


• It’s last call and we ain’t drunk yet.


• Now’s the time to pull up our skatesI


• Hope we can find the frickin' Immunity Idol.


• We've got to "Jack Bauer" up!


• This is our chance to put the crack-pipe down.


• From here on, we're pretending our mothers' lives are on the line.


• Our shmeckles are definitely on the cutting board right now.


• They've already given us the sodium thiopental and the pancuronium; If we lose now it's the potassium chloride -- and nobody wants that.


• We’re about to miss the train to Winsburgh.


• It’s Sudafed time, Baby!

Hmmm…Never mind! Come to think of it, maybe the clichés are better.

Space-Based Initiative

Vatican: Belief in aliens OK
The Vatican's chief astronomer says believing in aliens "doesn't contradict our faith." » 'Extraterrestrial brother'

It’s a madhouse. Rod Serling knew it and he made fun of the fact weekly. And let’s face it; Hunter S. was way righteous when he pecked out this gem:

“There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.

Who knows? If there is in fact, a heaven and a hell, all we know for sure is that hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix — a clean well lighted place full of sunshine and bromides and fast cars where almost everybody seems vaguely happy, except those who know in their hearts what is missing... And being driven slowly and quietly into the kind of terminal craziness that comes with finally understanding that the one thing you want is not there…

Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish — a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate…”

• Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the '80s (1988)
  

God bless you pious bastards and your bullet-proof faith. You can look at the pool of blood and say “Hey, it was God’s Will” then turn around on the same day and pray for Myanmar.

It’s all jacked-up logic to a socially functional failure like me and it makes me want to roll into the fetal position & seek comfort from the sucking of my thumb.

Or maybe I should buy a gun and name it Frankie. We'd be good friends, Frankie and me - BFFs even!

Maybe we should all buy guns and turn this ball into a global Tombstone where justice favors the fastest draw and God’s Will closely follows the report of a pistol.

Or maybe we already have. Maybe Wyatt Earp is in the White House and his spirit is whispering, “You tell Iran that we’re comin’ and hell is comin' with us.”

But it'll be okay, because soon I'll have Frankie to protect me.

Upon further thought, perhaps the Papa’s nod to ET is the sanest thing we’ve heard lately. It’s possible that even the papal glitterati have sensed the truth; that if we are God’s only work, there is something terribly wrong in heaven. There’s got to be some of the Lord’s creations who are making a better show of it than us.

And ants don’t count…because ants don’t have souls do they?

We live in a world where no one argues that the Lord's biblical 6th Commandment clearly suggests a “non-killing” platform, but also where no one will blink a religious eye when the bullet hits enemy bone. Where the fat cat CEO gets free hand-outs from his government while he scorns the bums who line up at the soup kitchen.

Meanwhile, we the people, argue over who should be voted off Survivor and point fingers at mental patients.

Holey Goalie!

Despite the NHL's Herculean efforts to "trick-up" the game and force-feed hockey to the baseball, football, and basketball masses; lovers of a good ol' net minder battle have been treated to some wonderful displays in both this year's playoffs and 2007's.

No matter how the league has limited the goaltender's freedom, these athletes continue to stone opponents regularly - resulting in not only low scoring games, but also several overtime nail-biters.

In Toronto on June 11th, 2008, members of the league and the players union will examine the size and configuration of existing goalie equipment. The reps include Doug Risebrough, Garth Snow, Jim Rutherford, Brett Hull for the NHL, and Marty Broduer, Rick DePietro, Ryan Miller, Dany Heatley and Michael Cammalleri for the players and goalies. This examination stems from the belief that reducing the size of goalie equipment WONT injure the goaltenders (much), but instead will imbue the forwards with more skill... or at least more of a target, and therefore, increase scoring.

Don't buy into the spin. The cockamamy band-aid fixes they have instituted so far have not solved the problem, so they are going back to the well to see if they can handicap the goalies a little more.

I'm not even going to waste time arguing whether higher scoring is going to somehow, magically turn on the "appreciation light" in the heads of American baseball, basketball or football fans. (Frankly, I think it's like trying to sell bikinis to Buddhists.)

And I'm not going to make a cheap joke about how, if every goalie in the NHL was as good as Garth Snow, there would be no need to change anything. (oops!)What I am going to point out is the conflicting expectations that are speeding head-on towards each other.

The NHL keeps saying it wants high-scoring games, but every time a goalie lets in 3 or more goals, he gets pulled like a sky-diver's rip-cord.There are more goaltenders on the unemployment lines than Detroit auto workers. All because they couldn't cover for some of the worst offenses in hockey, or because they had a GAA of over 4.0.

Sure some goalies will let in a stinker, but guess what? THEY ALL DO - even the best of them. It's nothing new. Show me one who doesn't and I'll pay him to dam up the Mississippi.
Carey Price gets shelled by a tough Philly offence and he rides the pine in game 4. Hasek loses a couple of games vs. Nashville and out he goes. Kiprusoff has a couple he'd love a do-over on and... bang - he's working the door from the end of the bench. The expectations that a goalie has to make saves like the US Coast Guard, no matter what the conditions are, have not changed. They've got to.

Here's a newsflash to the coaches (especially goalie-killer Mike Keenan) the league, the critics and the fans: If you're going to continue to effectively hobble net-minders by limiting where they can play the puck, allowing players to crash the net, making the net bigger and tying their blocker hand behind their back, then you better get your head right with higher GAAs, lower SV% and leaving a guy between the pipes after 5 or 6 goals.

You want to devalue "the goal" and turn hockey into a shinny game, go ahead. If you think that's gonna create insta-fans and convert the unbelievers, then you'd probably make Zig Ziglar seem like a chronic fatalist. And bully for you, but the truth is, it's one way or the other.

You can't have both, Mr. Heller.

Ad-gitate Well!

Writing a good Creative Work Plan can be a challenge. It's tough to describe an idea before it's even thought of. But that's the task given to many Account Executives, Coordinators and Marketing Managers.

Unfortunately, some of these "professionals" have found an easy alternative. They scribble "We need an ad for [Generic Company Name Here] and hand it into the Creative Department as a serious document.

Some of these 8 1/2 x 11 piles of feces aren't as obvious at being useless. Many are generously sprinkled with pages and pages of AE drivel that means nothing, but sounds professional, like: Objective - to be the "Toothpaste/Employer/AC unit/Pickle, of choice for consumers aged 1 to 107.3."

Advertising "Creatives" can be a finicky, egocentric bunch, but even the most imaginative and well-adjusted of them have trouble using horsetwaddle like this to their advantage.

In these cases, it's probably better for everyone if the Account Puppets just print "make ad for [Client Name]" on a napkin, set a deadline, and leave the rest to the monkeys in Creative.

{Thanks to Warren Fleece for this one. His Internet reach is long indeed.}

Mes Arachides Sont Exultantes

Here's a link to an ABC News story that points out the average CEO in America makes 433 times more per year than the average employee at their company.

EVEN THOUGH MANY OF THESE CEOs ARE PERFORMING POORLY!

Talk about corporate welfare!

If a CEO performs as well as Anthony Mozilo does, he should be history, baby! And without the earth-shattering severence they usually get for a job poorly done.

But if I said “history” with any conviction, I’d be forced to reference two claims by Karl Marx:

First, that he "put Hegel's dialectics back on its feet"

And second, that "the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles."

Although you’ll agree that any dialectical materialism spoken of is essentially characterized by the belief that history is the product of class struggle and obeys the general Hegelian principle of philosophy of history, (that is, the development of the thesis into its antithesis which is supported by the "Aufhebung" synthesis — which conserves the thesis and the antithesis while at the same time abolishing it) you’ll also have to admit that this contradiction explains the inherent difficulties of Hegel's thought. Boy Howdy, Ha-ha!

Clearly Hegel's dialectics aim at explaining the growth and development of human history, because he considered that truth was the product of history and passed through various moments, including the moment of error — error, or “negativity” (of which I am very familiar) is part of the development of truth.

But then again, Marx's dialectical materialism considers against Hegel's idealism, stating that history is not the product of the Spirit (Geist or also Zeitgeist — the "Spirit of the Time") Such nonsense!

Which leads us to the point where we ponder this post and the picture of the sandwich.

All I can say is... they both make about as much sense as a CEOs salary.

Optimism: Ah, that crap never works for me

There's nothing more of a physical beat-down than being surrounded by the minions of "mind over matter"

Especially in Sales Departments.

Nothing makes me want to stick my torso in a tree-shredder more than talking to positive thinkers – people so deluded that they think the world pivots on THEIR mental energy.
"You have to believe you're going to succeed..." they'll drivel on.
"You have to remove negative thoughts from your world." - Yeah... like the power of your Pollyanna outlook is going to stop a psycho's bullet from speeding towards your optimistic brainstem, or levitate your leased BMW as it caroms off a busy overpass.

Twaddle.

There are simply too many people "thinking positively" in this world for all those "dreams" to come true. Sooner or later, your positive thinking is going to run aground on the Panglossian hallucinations of another hyper-visualizing bozo...

In every race there’s only one winner.

But dream on, Zig Ziglar. Make your lemonade! Because while you're not looking, some virulent bastard is pissing in it just for yuks. That's life. Buy lots of Asprin.

What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger... it only delays the inevitable.

Graveyards are full of rotting, rose-colored specs.


And don't give me that positive perpetuation blather:

"If you fail, it's because you secretly wanted to fail."
or
"The person who won just obviously wanted it more."

Sure... and YOU can't see the Celestial Teapot because it doesn't WANT you to see it.

Die Tony Robbins!

Shred… or You’re Dead.

Report: NYC Freedom Tower plans found in trash

A homeless man has come forward with two sets of confidential ground zero blueprints that he says were dumped in a Lower Manhattan trash can.

The man brought the Freedom Tower plans to the New York Post, which says the 150-page schematic is marked: "Secure Document — Confidential

The documents are dated Oct. 5, 2007. They contain plans for each floor, the thickness of the concrete-core wall, and the location of air ducts, elevators, electrical systems and support columns.
The agency that owns the World Trade Center site, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, calls it a serious security lapse.

Meanwhile, the “Authorities”… after confiscating the blueprints, told the homeless man to “Beat it!” and “Get a job…”

Who knew some poor architect shmo was going to become homeless himself because he spilled coffee on the first round of designs? I mean, it was probably the version that had no elevators… so he tossed it like a bad poem. A natural act, if you ask me. (and you didn’t)

Man, those homeless boogers are like little King Rat clones. They can find francs in feces.

One day a hobo might just scrounge up Jimmy Hoffa’s ass.

But you know it’s getting bad when you can’t just throw shit in the garbage anymore.

Are we going to have to start saving everything…just in case? Can we flush?

• You can’t throw away junk mail because someone might steal your identity
• You can’t toss dead batteries cuz it’ll screw the environment
• And you can’t dump Ryan Seacrest in a trash compactor because it interferes with his "Human Rights” - Hah! What about my "human right" to dispose of crap I don't want?

Will Oscar the Grouch find Oppenheimer’s lost notes? …or Corey Haim’s career?

Think about that the next time you, "just for fun", draw a diagram of how you will slaughter everyone at the DMV with a sharp hanger and a can of Lysol. Make sure you shred it when you're done!

...That's what I did.

Maybe we should send some bums to Iraq to see if they can uncover those pesky WMDs!

Large Reptile Coming Out of His Shell

There have been rumors for years of a mythical creature living deep in the waters of a northern Vietnam lake. Some in a village west of Hanoi claimed to be blessed by catching a glimpse of its concave shell as it crested above the surface of their lake.

A national legend tells of a giant golden turtle that bestowed upon the Vietnamese people a magic sword and victory over Chinese invaders in the 16th century.

Whether that sacred turtle has materialized in the 21st century will be a matter of cultural debate among the Vietnamese.

"This is one of those mythical species that people always talked about but no one ever saw," said Geoff Hall, zoo general curator.”


Being mistaken for a mythical aquatic creature is bad enough, but when you find out that Kilmer is really starring in an X-rated version of Tombstone, You get an idea of how much “Iceman” has melted.

In the upcoming nudie musical, entitled TombsBone, Kilmer will effectively reprise his roll in the original film as he assumes the roll of "Dong" Holiday, a swaggering cowboy with a penchant for laudanum and the ladies.

"We've done our best to stay historically accurate." said the film's director, Seymour Butts.

Veteran adult film star Ron Jeremy will play nemesis Ike Clanton, while Jenna Jameson will play Wyatt.

"My name is Elbow... And I'm a Snope-Fiend"

I love it when…especially down here in Texas, some seemingly normal WASP will blurt out Republican propaganda and try to pass it off as blessed fact.
Generally these blatherings that emerge from their yaps make about as much sense as Farrah Fawcett on an ether binge.
But they say it with enough conviction that, to the unsuspecting ear, it seems credible.

Such is the wheelhouse of strength with Conservatives; peddling dubious facts in small snippets that SOUND like they “could” be true.

This is why I truly thank GOD for http://www.snopes.com/. On several occasions, I have been presented with these bizarre sounding assertions like: “Democrats are statistically more likely to kill puppies”

Or, “John Kerry massacred the San Diego Padres with an Iraqi bayonet”

Most of the time when you hear something like this -- if you’re not a Kool-Aid drinking conservative -- you lift an eyebrow and say, “Really? I didn’t know that.”

That is, mind you, if you don’t already know it’s pure bunk, or if you don’t have a computer and/or reference book close at hand.

Then you usually sit there perplexed and think to yourself, “That doesn’t sound right… how can that be?”

8 times out of 10, if you rush to a computer and enter the claim into Snopes.com, you’ll discover the assertion is either false or at least heavily embellished and largely inaccurate.

The same thing happened to me the other night. I was attending an evening class when, for no relevant reason, the subject of military deaths came up.
One of these grinning good ol’ boys says, “Well actually, I read that military deaths were higher during the Clinton Administration than the Bush administration.” “Hyup,” he guffawed, “it’s true.”

The whole class kinda looked at him and muttered “rrreally?” under our breaths.

No one there could be sure. But it added up like snake with a broken calculator.

So everyone just let it go.
I mean, how could George W’s six years of Iraqi and Afghani conflict eclipse those of Clinton’s admin?

Was there a Malaria outbreak at the Pentagon in the 90s? Sheeit! Musta missed that!

So the next time I got in front of the computer, I immediately queried the great and powerful Snope.

Sure enough, the story was steaming malarkey, pure baloney: http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/deaths.asp

Just like the viral e-mails that portray:

• Andy Rooney as a gun-toting, lunkhead: [http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney4.asp ]
• George Carlin as a closet Republican: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/carlin.asp
• Barak Obama as a Muslim: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/muslim.asp
• John Kerry as undeserving of his service medals: http://www.snopes.com/politics/kerry/service.asp
• Or Donald Trump as a generous benefactor to the average Joe: http://www.snopes.com/luck/trumptip.asp & http://www.snopes.com/luck/trump.asp

All points rubbish and all points largely accepted as truth by dullards and GOP faithful.

It’s a wonderful world that twirls around by the forces of the cosmos and, evidently, the sheer force of flying, bubbling BS.

Still, it’s not to say that Democrats never lie or start dirty falsehoods on the Net. It’s just that, for some reason, I don’t seem to run into it as much… and when I rarely do, everyone, including myself, laughs and points at them... then kicks them in the groin, so they’ll know better next time.

Home POPEner

By JEFF ISRAELY/ROME AND DAVID VAN BIEMA/NEW YORK
Pope Benedict XVI's trip this week to the United States will include high-profile visits to the White House, United Nations and Ground Zero. But no matter what political issues or media angles may be buzzing before take-off, the Vatican tends to stress the pastoral aspect of any papal journey. The six-day itinerary is above all stacked with church services, baseball stadium masses and Catholic institutional encounters to allow the pontiff to tend to his flock, and to the priests and bishops who do the ministering when he's back in Rome.
The American visit, however, poses an unprecedented pastoral challenge for the 80-year-old pontiff. Benedict's is the first papal trip to the United States since the priest sex abuse crisis erupted in 2001. It is a controversy that has left much of the American laity bitterly disillusioned with their Church's leadership. For many of the 67 million American Catholics, how the Pope confronts the lingering fallout from the pedophilia scandal may largely determine the success of this visit.

I once openly mocked the Pope. Right there in Vatican City.

About 30 minutes before the freshly deified German appeared to his usual Wednesday throng of worshippers in front of the Basilica, it was raining harder than a probability equation. Bold and agnostic, I cheekily commented that if this Pope really had the “ear of the Almighty”, he’d clear up the weather a little.

As the Pope-Mobile entered the gates… the rain stopped. The clouds did indeed part. And the sun came out. Benedict then spent the next hour blessing the masses… dryly… in more ways than one.

Since then, the Pope’s secret shadow police have kept me on the lam, but I confuse them by crisscrossing my movements with those of Sinead O’Connor. When all is said and done, she’s the one they really want hung on the mantle.

But there is now a small (very small, but all the same, REAL) inkling in me that I may have secured a one-room efficiency overlooking the malevolent flaming sepulchers near the City of Dis.

Ah well, that train has left damnation station already.

Anyway, I have trouble being really mad at myself for mocking the high mucky-muck of a religion that is so troubled, it seriously challenges some state penitentiaries for most number of child molesters.

A religious dogma that discourages birth control in countries where the child mortality rate is higher than Ziggy Marley at a Denver Bong Convention, is scarcely one that I can call responsible or admirable.

Sure, one bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch, girl – but you gotta raise an eyebrow to a religion that spends more time worrying about Kevin Smith films than it does worrying about say… oh, I don’t know… maybe, SCREENING THEIR PRIESTS FOR SIGNS PERVERSE SEXUALITY?

Maybe it’s like the Roach Rule in Texas; If you see one in the kitchen, there’s probably a thousand in the walls. But I’d like to think that the Pope and the majority of Catholics are good folks.

What I really wonder about is; how exactly the good Pontiff is going to “address” this baleful issue. “Mistakes were made” (??) … “Our intelligence was faulty” (???) “It was Clinton’s fault” (????)

Oh sure, it works for the GOP, but I have a feeling it won’t quite fly here.

At least they’re not simply avoiding the issue. And let’s face it the catechized masses WANT to believe there’s a simple answer to this foul situation; like turning on the AC when it gets too hot – or watering the plants a bit less. So even if he comes out here and mildly tips his mitre to the problem, it will probably calm most of his loyal followers.

Think about it, if the insidious threat of sexually deranged padres doesn’t compel you to consider another religion, what else will? Radioactive Pews? Vampire Nuns?

You gotta be impressed with the staunch blindness of the commitment, though.

And after all, it’s not like they’re holing-up in compounds and forcing underage girls to all marry the same man.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Probably from the same guys who invented hard liquor night at the Football games, we now have an even better idea:


Florida lawmakers have passed a "take your guns to work" law

"Most Florida residents would be allowed to take guns to work under a measure passed by Florida lawmakers on Wednesday.
The bill, allowing workers to keep guns in their cars for self-protection, was approved by the Florida Senate by a vote of 26-13. It now goes to Republican Gov. Charlie Crist to sign into law.
Backed by the National Rifle Association and some labor unions, the so-called "take-your-guns-to-work" measure would prohibit business owners from banning guns kept locked in motor vehicles on their private property.
The measure applies to employees, customers and those invited to the business establishment as long as they have a permit to carry the weapon..."
[Story By: Michael Peltier]


That whoremonger in accounting better watch his filthy gob when he comes by my office now, because I'm running out of Xanax, and Papa's got Mr. McShooty close at hand.

There's nothing that gives me the courage to hit the day quite like the smoothness of a semi-automatic beneath my trembling fingertips.


Up until now, I've only been able to cradle it in my lap at the dinner table. Sure it keeps the kids in line, but its real use would flower to new levels in the workplace.
This could bring a whole new meaning to the phrase "Leveraged Corporate Takover"

Grab your rifles, boys! We're expanding!



Imagine ruling your desk area with the type of impugnity that only lions know... or knew before God invented the gun.

Mmmm, the fine superiority and confidence that only a firearm can bring, sprinkled generously into the high-pressure abbatoirs of Corporate America. This is what the founding fathers fought for baby.



And I don't wanna hear any of you "Liberal" snivellers caterwalling when a few workers cross the line and decide to settle things the Christian way. It's all part of the greater good and the righteous quest for power before logic.