Jun 12, 2008

You Can Lead A Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Care About Silly Human Endeavors

As Dan Gelston, AP sports writer noted, “Big Brown’s Triple Crown bid is finished. So is his undefeated career record.”

“In one mystifying run at the Belmont Stakes, Big Brown’s legacy disintegrated with racing’s 12th Triple Crown on the line in New York.”

Despite convincing Preakness and K-Derby victories and memorable “Scholastic Rock” ditties, Big Brown decided three was NOT a magic number.

Obviously, the real loser here was the sport of thoroughbred racing, because let’s face it; Big Brown couldn’t give a wet bag of oats whether he won or lost… BECAUSE HE’S A FREAKIN’ HORSE.

“Big Brown wasn’t Big Brown,” said Nick Zito, who trained long-shot winner Da’ Tara.
Aha! Then we are to believe there was an impostor horse running with BB’s number!?!
Or... was it in fact because, like so many HUMAN athletes, he just didn’t "WANT it bad enough?" Could we speculate the “effort” wasn’t there? Maybe he just "didn’t pay attention to the fundamentals that had brought him past success".

Those clichés sound fucking goofy when you're talking about a fast cow (aka Horse), don't they?

“No one really has the answers to Big Brown’s woes,” said one article.

But my crazy guess is, after I dispose with the anthropomorphic twaddle, that Big Brown has absolutely no “woes” today. He is simply concerned with which tree to nibble grass under, or perhaps casually looking for a good spot to drop one of his very own “big browns”.

We humans have saddled young Brownie with some of our own nutty aspirations and attempted to bridle him with the pressures and expectations we apparently no longer reserve for just professional athletes.

But no matter how much we’d like Big Brown to care, he will never understand or give a half trot about our strange efforts to achieve historical notoriety, money or power.

He will never have to get up in front of the media to explain that he’d never knowingly taken Horsey-Steroids or that it wasn’t his previous night at the peeler bar that dulled his racing prowess.

For all we know, Big Brown took one sniff of Da’ Tara’s arse, and headed as far down wind as he could get.

BB didn’t feel like running fast on Sunday, and he saw no horse sense in taking the lead. It doesn’t take Robert Redford to figure out that whisper, race fans.

“There’s nothing physically that’s shown up,” said Co-owner Michael Iavarone, “I’m as confused as anybody.”

No guff, Dr. Doolittle! But let me clear up your confusion. Horses probably have a reason, (however simple those “reasons” may be) for everything they do. But fortunately for them, they are not compelled to clear it with us.

“Sports” fans, (and with horse-racing I use the term loosely) have lost this year's opportunity to glorify an animal’s physical prowess and bestow a human-like level of integrity and drive.

But for Big Brown, he will likely live out the rest of his days at the stud farm, enjoying warm summers at the ranch, and high dollar hay. And, because he's a horse, he'll never stop to ponder the "whys" or "what-could-have-beens".

His owners will continue to take care of him, arrange mate-dates with other cute thoroughbreds, and visit him in his stall… all the while being careful not to step in one of his freshly dropped “triple crowns”.

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