Nov 10, 2009

2012: What the Mayans Failed to Mention

In 2012 here’s what’s REALLY going to happen. The United Nations, hobbled by the conflicting needs of the members of the Security Council, will dissolve and be replaced with a game of Bridge. Countries will gather regularly to play cards, smoke cigars, and BS about world affairs. It’ll be twice as fun as the regular UN Dog & Pony show and will likely get as much accomplished. Perhaps more.

After a few glasses of rum, anything could happen, and some good deals regarding peace could come from the more relaxed stage. Of course, certain wars will inevitably be started after certain representatives get really greased up.

This will quickly lead to an oil crisis, which is inevitable anyway, and Kathy Griffin will take office as Governor of California after Arnold is ousted with extreme prejudice. Unable to go on the incredible shopping sprees she thought she would be entitled to, (because the state is bankrupt) Griffin will angrily move all Ukrainians into prison camps -- just to get even with someone.

Starbucks will release tainted coffee, but it will have no effect on the population (except in Seattle) because by 2012 the world will be, in fact, “Running on Dunkin”.
Jesus will then return to earth, take one look at his most devout followers, and turn away with his Jesus face buried in his holy hands.

“Nice job, Peter,” He’ll say in a tired voice, then he’ll walk away… gather a small group of people…. which will include 100 toddlers of varied nationality, Paul McCartney, Steve Martin, Sean Connery, Sting, James Taylor, the four hottest nuns he can think of, and Kelly Preston… then drop a giant shit-bomb on the earth four hours after he takes Sting and the rest to Happy Heaven.

Once the smoke clears, he might smite the roach population down to a dull roar and deposit Steve, the guys, and all the nuns in Tuscany… and tell them to start over. He’ll warn Sir Sean (newly young again) to temper the anger and be a King to the remaining survivors. Then he’ll leave them with a poster of Dean Martin, a CD player, and a burned disk with Wish You Were Here and Dean’s greatest hits… because he thinks they were the only thing from the old world worth saving.

Then he books out with McCartney (One of GOD’s favorites) and Kelly Preston (Cuz she’s an angel) and says to the survivors, “Tell the Ukrainians to play dumb till I get back.”

Of course, that’s only if you believe in that stuff.

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